


As Fate Would Have It

by Nyvera



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Comedy, Doctor/Patient, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Explicit Language, F/M, Fluff and Angst, How Do I Tag, I Don't Even Know, I Tried, I'm Sorry, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Being a Little Shit, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, Post-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Psychological Drama, Psychological Trauma, Psychology, Reader-Insert, Romance, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Storm Trooper, What Have I Done, What Was I Thinking?, Why Did I Write This?, psychology shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-31
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2018-09-21 05:24:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 35,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9533675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nyvera/pseuds/Nyvera
Summary: How does it feel when your whole world seems like it's on fire? How does it feel when the darkness of your mind, body, and soul seem to be crushing you with an impossible force that threatens to leave you feeling empty and alone? You would soon find out when you're contracted to work for the First Order as the Chief Psychologist, which sounds like a great opportunity till you discover the real reason you were brought in. You soon realize that nothing is safe, sacred, or sane when it comes to those who are in the First Order.





	1. The Decision

“Ma’am, do we have your answer?”

 

You had thought that taking this remote job on Takodana could hide you away from this inevitable outcome, but you were sorely mistaken. 

 

_ ‘..I hereby agree to the above terms following employment issued by First Order Authorities to act as Chief Psychologist to the cause..’ _

 

Your hand gripped tight to the datapad you were holding, your knuckles turning a sickly white as you were mulling over the future that was simply printed on the screen before you.

 

Naturally, you had asked why it was that amongst all the other psychologist in the galaxy that you were chosen, but it simply boiled down to the fact that everyone else they had asked down right refused them.  _ For reasons all too known to you. _

 

Your eyes kept flickering back to the portion of the contract that held your salary balance — never in your life had you seen so many zeros.  Not to mention  you would be getting your own apartment on base amidst the other officers, and another private apartment amongst one of their destroyers called the  _ Finalizer.  _

 

_ This should be an easy decision...Right?  _ You and your family weren’t exactly on speaking terms besides the holiday cards you exchanged every year,  what’s more was  most of your friends were colleagues. The only thing you really had to your name was your doctorate and small wardrobe. 

 

The officers sitting across from you in your small, cramped living room seemed to be growing irritable, no doubt because they were expecting you to decline and they would have to be sent elsewhere in the galaxy to find another sorry fool who would accept. 

 

You let out a breath, flexing your free hand momentarily.

 

Without a second thought you scribbled out your name with your finger across the datapad, signing away whatever fate was before you to the hands of the First Order. The mood of the men had instantly lifted when they watched you with disbelieving eyes. 

 

The older of the three officers before you let a small smile show on his lips, a heavy and tired breath of relief exhaling through his person.

“Thank you Doctor, truly, you have no idea how much this eases my heart.” the greying officer said as he stood to shake your hand and give a curt bow.

 

“It will be my pleasure to help you understand and treat your soldiers mental states, as well as the officers, but for me this is purely for the jobs sake; not for the First Order.” You could be impartial while doing your job. You decided that you  _ had  _ to if you were going to maintain your own sanity.

 

“That is fine with us ma’am, as long as you get the job done. It’s refreshing to meet with someone who can be… objective to the cause.”

 

With that the officers started shuffling out of your small home to their awaiting ship. “We will be sending a cruiser for you within the next week, so box up what belongings you have and be ready for them,” the elder officer turned once again towards you to shake your hand once more before leaving, “good day Doctor, I look forward to seeing you on Starkiller.”

 

You watched as their vesile ascended outwards towards the enormity of space, a cool wind licking at your skin as you remained still, looking dazed. Your eyes eventually glazed over in deep thought as you gazed out at the rolling sea before you.

 

_ Hmmm, looks like it’s going to storm soon.. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to my Beta, JoelMiller, she is the only reason I had the courage to even write and post this story. Check out her stuff, you wont regret it, she is so incredibly talented and has an affinity for connecting to the characters and accurately portray them in her stories.
> 
> Stay tuned for Chapter 2 tomorrow! I know it's a very small/slow start but I hear a certain redheaded General will be making an appearance tomorrow.. (;
> 
> If you enjoy my content, please consider supporting me on: [Buy Me a Coffee](https://ko-fi.com/A5552GXZ)


	2. A New Home

_ Grey.  _

 

As you stood facing your new home, it had occurred to you that you had never seen this much grey and durasteel in your entire life. All of your possessions were simply stuffed into a large duffle bag hanging loosely at your side. 

 

“Welcome home..” you muttered sarcastically to yourself.

 

The layout was fairly pleasing; your door opened to a small entry way with a coat closet which lead to an open living room that was complete with two black leather couches, a coffee table between the two, and a carpet.  _ Thank the stars...  _ To the left was the kitchen and dining area, its outward wall made completely of reinforced glass that gave you a beautiful view of the snowy woods the planet was known for. If you headed straight from the living room and up two steps, that was your where your room was located. It was complete with: a dresser, side table, closet, an adjoining bathroom just to the right through a sliding door, and a queen sized bed draped in black sheets. 

 

Besides the drab decoration, or lack there of, you were immensely impressed that this was all yours. It took little to no time at all to deposit your meager belongings in their respective places, giving you time to browse all of the amenities you were given including the uniforms hanging in your closet. As you shrugged on the black knee-length coat which buttoned over on the left side with the First Order insignia placed on the right, you were pleasantly surprised that they had even guessed your right size.

 

_ Oh no.. _

 

“No,  _ no way _ , it will be an even colder day in space the day I wear that!” You spouted to yourself as your eyes caught the accompanying skirt and heels in your closet, causing you to pad your way over to your dresser to pull out a pair of black leggings and your black ankle-boots by the bed. 

 

“That’s more like it!” you said gleefully as you smoothed the coat down over your frame while looking at your figure in the mirror.

 

A knock at your apartment door startled you out of your thoughts. “Just a moment.” You called out to the visitor, making your way toward the front door and hitting the plate to open it.

 

As your door  _ whooshed  _ open, you were met face to face with a redhaired man roughly the same height as you, his demeanor one of the utmost seriousness. “Ah, Doctor, a pleasure to meet you. I’m General Hux, Commander of Starkiller based and her orbiting satellites. I trust everything is to your liking?”

 

“Oh-uh, yes,” you stuttered, giving the man before you a curt bow before moving to the side and gesturing for him to come in, “It’s more than I expected actually, I was quite surprised.” 

 

“The First Order strives to assert its magnificence, but needless to say I’m pleased to hear you are satisfied for the meantime. I see you have already taken a liking to the uniform then?” He smirked as he examined you.

 

“Ah, yes, just trying it on for size. It’s perfect.” you laughed awkwardly looking down at yourself. “Is there something I could help you with General?”

 

“Oh, right.” the General responded, finally taking his hands from behind his back to present you with a datapad, “This is for you, it’s encrypted to ensure the confidentiality of your patients and can only be unlocked with your fingerprints.” You reached forward, taking the datapad from his outstretched hand gently.

 

“I suggest you look over those tonight as you will start your work tomorrow, if that is alright with you. It has a schedule system built in so that anyone on base that has need of your counselling can schedule an appointment with you.” The General quickly explains. “Also, there is a built in map that will help direct you on base these first few weeks ‘till you are familiar with the layout and can find your way to your office with ease.”

 

“Thank you sir, it won’t be a problem. I’m actually looking forward to starting as soon as possible.” you replied, tapping your way through the datapad and familiarising yourself with its functions. 

 

“Right, well if there is anything you have questions about, do not hesitate to contact me.” General Hux made his way to your door, turning to give you a short nod before leaving. “Doctor.”

 

“General.” your replied in likeness.

 

You read over all of your new patient files as you prepared dinner for yourself, pleased to see they even included a bottle of wine amongst your pre-stocked kitchen. As your eyes skimmed over all of the files you came to the last one which had ‘ **CONFIDENTIAL** ’ printed in bold lettering. After scanning your thumb one more time the file opened.

 

_ Kylo Ren, Master of the Knights of Ren, Commander of the First Order _

 

  * __Born: Ben Solo, son of Leia Organa (Daughter of Padme Amidala and Anakin Skywalker) and Han Solo after the Battle of Endor__


  * _Formerly of the New Jedi Order, apprentice to his Uncle Luke Skywalker (Son of Padme Amidala and Anakin Skywalker)_


  * _Ren struggles with inner self conflicting thoughts and emotions which cause violent outbursts, causing rationality to become second to his rage. While this enhances his connection the the Dark Side of the force it, at times, conflicts with the First Orders progression._



 

 

Your hands started shaking, you set the datapad down on the countertop and reached for your glass of wine, quickly downing it in one gulp.

 

“What in galaxies name have you gotten yourself into?! Han freaking Solo, Luke Skywalker?! What the shit...” you cursed under your breath and poured yourself another glass of wine. You quickly picked your datapad and scrolled to your schedule for tomorrow.

 

_ Monday  _

_ 7:30am - Commander Ren _

 

“Fuck..” Looks like you have a date with history in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always thank you guys for reading! I know Kylo hasn't been introduced yet but please be patient, Lord Buckethead will be appearing in the next chapter. (: I'm all for the slow-burn. 
> 
> Thanks again to the talented JoelMiller for sticking up with me and being an awesome beta! I would crash and burn without her support. 
> 
> Stay Tuned Lovelies!
> 
> If you enjoy my content, please consider supporting me on: [Buy Me a Coffee](https://ko-fi.com/A5552GXZ)


	3. Silence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone that has left a comment so far, you guys literally make this all worth it and encourage me to write more and more whenever I have time. As promised another chapter, enjoy!
> 
> If you enjoy my content, please consider supporting me on: [Buy Me a Coffee](https://ko-fi.com/A5552GXZ)

You hadn’t slept a wink since you had found out who your morning appointment would be with. It caused you to revert to how you were when you were fresh out of the academy; the nervous shakes and jitters barely controllable as you paced your apartment in desperation to calm yourself down, the time on your data pad reading _6:30am_.

 

“Well, maybe a walk will help.” You thought aloud to yourself, desperate to find any excuse to keep your mind off of your upcoming activities.

 

When you had looked to see where your office was last night on your datapad, you hadn’t thought that it would take much time or effort to find; you now realized that you were _horribly_ mistaken. The base seemed like a labyrinth of twists and turns, every door and hallway looking eerily similar.

 

You thought that you would never make it until a stormtrooper had approached you. “You’re the new Doctor, aren’t you?” came a female voice from behind the suit of chrome armor.

 

“Am I that obvious?” You ask with a small laugh.

 

“Well considering you’ve circled this sector twice, it was just a hunch.” She replied. “I’m Captain Phasma, I’ve been meaning to find time to speak with you and thank you for coming, but that can wait. Would you like me to escort you to your office?”

 

“Uh, that would be fantastic, I feel like a complete fool but thank you for coming to my rescue. I’d hate to be late to my first appointment of the day.” you beamed to the trooper.

 

“It’s no trouble, follow me.”

 

If you were being completely honest with yourself, you knew that there was no way you could find your way back. It seemed like the two of you had been walking a great distance before Phasma had finally stopped and directed you to a door that conveniently had a plaque with your name on it.

 

“I’m in your debt ma’am. There’s no way I could have ever found this on my own.” You said, sticking your hand out for the Captain to shake.

 

Her grip was surprisingly gentle as she returned the gesture, “Please, I’m no lady, just call me Captain, or Phasma if you prefer.” she replied, “If you would like I can come by after your appointments are done and show you around the base. I too have a very busy schedule so it will give us time to talk.”

 

“You seriously are a lifesaver, I owe you one.”

 

“Doctor.” Phasma replied curtly, giving you a brief bow. As she rounded the corner you pulled out your datapad to check the time. _7:43am._

 

_FUCK!_

 

You took a deep breath to try and calm your nerves, “Breathe, you got this, I’m sure this ‘Kylo Ren’ isn’t as intimidating as you think. Shoulders back, head up and—for the love of god— _breathe_.”

 

Without a second thought, you willed your body forward and caused the door to open. You were determined to make a beeline to your desk, but you stopped short between the conference couches. Just like your dining room, the far wall ahead of you was entirely made of reinforced glass and give you a view of the forest outside—your desk situated in front of it.

 

But the breathtaking view wasn't what stopped you.

 

What _did,_ however, was the hulking mass of black fabric that was staring out your window. You could instantly feel the hairs on the back of your neck stand up.

 

“I, um..You must be-”

 

“You’re late.” came a deep, distorted voice that immediately caused new chills to creep up your spine.

 

You let a beat of silence pass before you finally found your voice, clearing your throat of the sickening lump that was begging you to stay silent, “Yes, I do apologize about that Commander. You see-”

 

“Do you make it a habit to keep your patients waiting? Or does your incompetence merely know no sense of time?” the Commander's head shifted over his shoulder to glance at you, the only thing you could make out being a glint of chrome escaping from all the black.

 

 **_Oh_ ** _. No, I don’t care who this fuck is, that shit is not going to fly with me!_

 

You had to choose your words carefully since you were already off to a bad start, “Did you know that for every minute you remain needlessly angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind?”

 

_Silence._

 

You took that opportunity to continue, “Every day we have plenty of opportunities to get angry, stressed or offended. But what you're doing,” you started slowly moving forward even though every nerve in your body was screaming for you to stop, “when you indulge into these negative emotions, it’s gives something outside yourself power over you. You can choose to not let these little inconveniences upset you.”

 

_Still silence._

 

You take a few steps closer until the only thing separating the two of you is your desk. “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; but if you hold to it too long, you’re the one who gets burned.”

 

You could see the Commander clench his fists at his side and his eyes had still not left you, but you could feel them burning into your skin. It unsettled you—scared you, even—but you stood your ground and remained composed because that was your _job_.

 

With one hand behind your back, you shifted your body sideways, your other arm outstretched and motioning to the couches. “Would you like to begin our session or would you like to waste what time we have degrading me some more?”

 

The air around him was thick with intimidation the second he fully turned around, you had to bite your tongue for fear that you would let out a gasp. There wasn't a stitch of him showing that could remind you that you were in fact talking to a human being, his helmet a blank slate of darkness.

 

_You were afraid, you felt it._

 

The commander eyes never left you as he made his way to the couch, sitting down slowly as if you making the wrong move or saying the wrong thing would cause him to bolt up. You felt that burning gaze even when you had taken your eyes off him and moved to the other couch. Your pulse was hammering violently in your ears.

 

You placed your datapad on your lap and pulled up Kylo Ren’s file, not glancing at it for more than a second when you looked up to find that ridiculous helmet still glued in your direction. “You know, silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute.” you let a small smirk grace your lips in an attempt to elicit a reaction.

 

_Nothing._

 

“Well, how about we start with something simple then?” you waited before letting out a deep exhale of breath, “If you don’t mind, I’m going to ask you some questions, and take notes about what you say so I can keep it fresh in my memory. Feel free to interrupt me at any time or steer the conversation to where you need it to go.” _Silence._ “Commander, if you’re not going to respond, why did you even come here today?”

 

“The Supreme Leader Commanded it.” his sudden voice caused you to jump.

 

“It’s most likely not as simple as that. He must’ve sent you here because he sense that there is a problem.”

 

The Commander yet again stayed silent.

 

“Everyone has a different perspective on what the problem is, and who or what the solution is. The point of this counseling is to create positive changes as rapidly as possible without feeling hurried. How do you see the problem or how do you define it? Or perhaps which difficult people in your life are causing problems for you? Who or what is most important to you in your life? What is the problem from your viewpoint?” you tried, waiting for a response.

 

“Okay, well if you don’t want to answer that then why don't you write your responses for me and you can send them later?” you took his silence as another advantage to touch base on what seems to be the biggest problem.

 

“Why do you let this apparent anger that you have affect you? Is it your struggling with the force that causes this?” you pressed.

 

For the first time the helmeted man looked away, his gaze shifting to his clenched fists on his knees, “It comes in waves,” you held your breath in a desperate attempt not to break the spell and encourage him to continue, “I close my eyes, hold my breath and let it bury me.”

 

Before you even had time to formulate a response, the Commander had stood and practically ran out the room, his cape billowing behind him being the last thing you saw as your door shut.

 

All at once every feeling started to rush out at you, hitting you like a whirlwind; the fear, the anger, it felt so overwhelming. You got up on shaky legs, moving towards your desk in a desperate act to control yourself for your next appointment.

 

_9:00am - Trooper FN-2187_

  
A knock at your door signaled that your next appointment had arrived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you to my Beta JoelMiller, she always knows the right ways to encourage me to keep rolling out new chapters for you guys. Check out her works, you wont regret it! 
> 
> Stay Tuned for Chapter 4 Lovelies!


	4. Problems

All things considered, you thought your first day had gone extremely well. Minus the fact that your first meeting with ‘ _Commander Fuckin’-Bucket’_ went as horribly as you predicted.

 

All the troopers seemed to open up to you immediately after you assured them that everything they said would be kept confidential. A few seemed to despise the First Order for obvious reasons, but the rest were completely loyal without question. If you were going to actually connect with any of them on a personal level, you would have to come up with nicknames for all of them. _Also ask them to remove their helmets during their sessions.._

 

It wasn’t even thirty minutes past your last session when you heard a knock at your door, the clock on your desk reading _6:37pm._

 

“Enter.” you called out simply as you were finishing adding the last of your notes regarding Trooper ST-0696.

 

Your eyes landed on the familiar chrome armor of Captain Phasma, a small smile coming to your lips at the sight of your first potential of a friend.

 

“I’ll be just a second, adding one last entry and then I’ll be set. I’m starving.” you said as your fingers typed away at your station.

 

“We can stop by the mess hall if you’re interested. I know we have our own kitchens but I prefer to eat amongst my men.” came Phasma’s distorted voice through her helmet, “And after I will show you areas of interest.”

 

“That would be great actually, I don’t really feel like cooking anyways, so lead on!” you replied cheerfully, picking up your datapad and walking over towards Phasma.

 

You don’t know what you expected as you sat down with Phasma, but the minute she removed her helmet you couldn't help but stare. The First Order strives to dehumanize their soldiers but in a setting like this, you are reminded that underneath those helmets are people with ranging skins and beliefs.

 

“Are you actually going to eat or are you going to keep staring at me like I’m the ugliest Hutt you’ve ever seen?” came Phasma’s voice, startling you out of your train of thought. A smirk was pasted on her pale face.

 

“Ah, I’m sorry it’s just...” you were at a loss for words, which is a rare thing for you but this whole new world was still so shocking.

 

“No, I get it. You don’t need to explain. I can see how someone from outside the order can find this all... strange” Phasma replied.

 

“That’s one way to put it...” you muttered as you shoveled some of your food into your mouth.

 

“I wanted to thank you...” came Phasma’s voice. This time she wasn't looking at you but instead down at her food that she was poking at with her fork. “I guess I can understand why no one would take the job, but you did. You’re giving my troops a chance to better themselves without letting in the fact about what they are, but rather _who_ they are, cloud your judgement.”

 

You gulped down the bite of food you had been holding, “Well, I don’t understand how anyone in my field could refuse, we are supposed to stay objective. Our goal is to heal those in need, not to turn them away based on who they are and where they come from.”

 

“Well, none the less, thanks are in order.”

 

After your meal was finished, you had done what Phasma had promised and took a small tour of the base. You couldn't cover it all in one day but its enormity still made your head spin.

 

“This is impossible...” you said with a groan, your feet already starting to kill you.

 

“You’ll get used to it, stop your sulking.” Phasma chuckled in response.

 

After a time, Phasma decided that the two of you should make your way back to the officer apartments. You were half tempted to kick off your shoes and walk barefoot the whole way but the thought of the cold metal on your feet made you shiver and think differently on it.

 

“Hey, Phasma are we almost-” before you could even finish your sentence, two booming voices sounded from the corridor just ahead.

 

“ **Ren!** Are you even listening?” spat the familiar voice of General Hux.

 

 _Oh no..._              

 

“Yes, it just takes me awhile to process so many idiotic notions at once.”  came the distorted voice you could scarcely forget belonging to Kylo Ren, the volume of the two becoming more and more apparent as you and Phasma slowly approached.

 

“They are not idiotic in the slightest, Ren,” Hux’s voice spat with so much venom that it made your gut clench, “you know _exactly_ why you are being forced to go to counseling. Your reckless attitude and temper are costing the Order a fortune!”

 

“I have no need for a psychologist that’s as incompetent as you.”

 

You looked toward your escort wondering why she didn’t even slow her pace at the cat-fight you were swiftly approaching. Phasma didn’t even seemed phased by any of it.

 

“Ren-!”

 

The next thing you knew was that it felt like you had hit a wall while you weren’t paying attention. You squeezed your eyes shut as you felt yourself begin to fall backwards, waiting for the inevitable _thud_ that would be your ass hitting the steel floor.

 

But it never came, in it’s place was a vice-like grip on your bicep that seemed to shoot out at a lightning speed. You slowly cracked one eye open only to be met with the thing you wanted to avoid most, Kylo Ren.

 

“I was wrong. On top of your incompetence, you are also ignorant to your surroundings. Not a pretty cocktail of personality traits, even in the best of situations.” grumbled the Commander's voice.

 

As much as this man unnerved you, no one—absolutely _no one_ —got to speak to you like that.

 

“Don’t talk about me until you have _actually_ talked to me, don’t underestimate me until you’ve challenged me, and better yet, don’t judge me till you know me!” you spat, before yanking your arm out of his grip, “But, go ahead, belittle me! You won’t be the first, and you sure as shit won’t be the last, but you **will** be wrong.”

 

You thought you might have imagined it but you swore you saw the man tense, his fists clenched back to his side. “Captain.” Kylo’s voice sounded quietly, his shielded eyes not leaving yours.

 

“Sir?” responded Phasma, her posture instantly straightening.

 

“I have need of your assistance, come with me.” and like that his back was turned to you, his billowing cloaks following his stride down the corridor.

 

“General, will you please escort the Doctor to her room?” Phasma asked before taking her leave to follow the Commander.

 

“Of course.” Hux smoothed out his jacket and placed his hand back behind his back.

 

“I apologise for Ren’s outburst, Doctor.” Hux replied simply, the apology holding no real weight or emotion.

 

“It’s nothing I haven’t encountered before, General. I won’t let it dissuade me from my work.” you replied, your face and voice returning to their normal tone of professionalism.

 

“Right, follow me.”

 

During your awfully awkward walk back to your apartment, you managed to learn that Hux had a cat named Millicent, which gave you the brief bit of excitement that you needed for the day. He even offered to let you to watch her when he was out on assignments.  _Probably because he feels some small miniscule of guilt._

 

“Thank you, General, for walking me to my apartment. It’s most appreciated.” you said, giving Hux a small bow.

 

“Please enough with the formalities, Hux will do just fine.” he replied, his face still one of the utmost seriousness.

 

“Right-well, goodnight, Hux.” you muttered awkwardly, his name still foreign sounding on your tongue.

 

Later that night, after you had sang your heart out horribly off key into your shower head in a desperate attempt to calm you nerves, you tossed and turned in your sheets, your head still full of irritation at _Commander Fuck-Bucket._

 

_That massive thundercunt just needs to get over his ego..._

 

As if the man in question had heard you, your tablet _dinged_ with a notification.

 

_2:53am Commander Kylo Ren:_

 

**...you asked which people are causing me problems?**

 

You couldn't believe what your eyes were actually seeing.

 

_2:54am Doctor Lasseya Malric:_

 

**Yes?**

 

_2:54am Commander Kylo Ren:_

 

 **Hux.** **Now get some sleep Doctor, I expect you to be on time for our next meeting.**

 

Sleep? Like Hell! It will probably take you three hours alone to find your office.

 

_Which is exactly what you did..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JoelMiller, you already know how much of an amazing Beta you're, seriously you never fail to inspire me.
> 
> And again thank you to everyone that has left a comment and kudos on my story! You guys seriously rock, I don't know when CH 5 will be posted but I am in the process of writing so don't you worry. (:
> 
> If you enjoy my content, please consider supporting me on: [Buy Me a Coffee](https://ko-fi.com/A5552GXZ)


	5. A Bold Move

Not only did you find your office in record time, _two and a half hours instead of three_ , but you also discovered the miracle of First Order room service for officers. The cup of tea warming your hands was definitely going to be needed for your upcoming appointment with the commander, which you learned would be every morning Monday thru Friday.

 

As you were finishing your breakfast and tea while preparing your notes for your upcoming appointment, the door to your office slid open right as the clock on your desk read _7:00am_. “You’re early.” you said awkwardly through a bite of food.

 

“Better to be early than late, wouldn’t you agree Doctor?” came the soft grumble of the helmeted Kylo Ren.

 

You couldn’t help the glare you shot at him, “I suppose. Schedules and appropriate timing have shown to help improve moods and overall health.” you added simply, taking another sip of your tea. “Or it can be signs of Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder.” You know that was an extreme, but you _really_ just wanted to get under this bastards skin.

 

“You think I have OCD?” the Commander replied. You could hear the humor in his voice.

 

“No, but I do feel you have an identity crisis. It’s most of the reason you have all this anger.” you replied simply, picking up your datapad and making your way over to the couch, not even bothering to look if he would follow suit.

 

It took a minute, but the Commander slowly made his way to the other side; sitting down slowly, his visor glued to your form. “And what would you propose I do about that, Doctor?” his voice had a threatening tone, as if at any moment he would snap at your words.

 

“Well, to create something new: you must first destroy.” you countered, finally bringing your gaze to meet his through the visor. You don’t know how you always did but it seemed like you would always be drawn to them. Even if you couldn't see them.

 

“Anger is only an illusion, but a very influential one. Letting the anger-illusion become your identity can prevent you from knowing your true self. Your anger leads to this false idea of believing that you are what you have or what you do; it’s a rather backwards way of living life.” you continued, waiting for a response.

 

“How much do you know about the force?” the commander asked, his voice feeling like the calm before a storm.

 

You slightly tilted your head, trying your best to limit your expression of confusion as to why he brought up the subject. It wasn’t like an everyday occurrence to be asked about something as complex as the force, and you found that you had to clear your throat before speaking any further, “I can’t say I have any knowledge on that particular topic. I’ve just heard stories, it’s still difficult to imagine it being real.” you replied honestly.

 

“Let me be the first to tell you it’s very real,” the Commander said, voice low, as if casting a spell, “It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us; it binds the galaxy together.”

 

The air around you started to intensify, making your skin feel warm and electric. You couldn't help but let out a small breath of surprise as your eyes fluttered shut at the feeling.

 

“But it can also cause pain,” the air around you suddenly felt cold at the loss of energy, “it can let us know the fears and weaknesses of our enemies.” at that moment your head was flung back with a searing pain, as if someone was trying to claw their way into your head. Your eyes flung open, but you clenched your hand against the ache, raising your head to meet the helmeted beast.

 

The pain had vanished just as quick as it came, “You’re very resilient. Maybe I was wrong about your incompetence.” the Commander said matter of factly, his voice sounding smug even through the distortion.

 

You shot up out of your chair, “Take your helmet off.” you said quietly, your voice growing dark, unknown to your guest.

 

“And why should I do that?” the commander's voice sounded.

 

“ **Take. It. Off.** ” every syllable was dripping with venom.

 

To your surprise, the commander's hands went to his helmet slowly; after a small pause you heard the hiss the helmet let out when he clicked the latchets just underneath. Slowly, alabaster skin came into your view. Inch by inch the man behind the mask was revealed to you: his full lips, clenched jaw, beauty marks peppering his skin, but his eyes…

 

His eyes were a hickory as rich as soil; stained with the colour of hot chocolate on a cold, winter night that wraps around you like a blanket; engulfs you in its warmth and makes you feel at home. Those deep pools of dark-cinnamon swirls seized the depth and heaviness of one thousand untold stories, which imprisoned the bitterness of strong coffee. They consisted of raw emotion and if you observed closely, they reveal to you the exact thought that crosses the marvels of his ominous mind.

 

Last to make an appearance was his raven hair, so black against skin so white that it was as if he belonged to the snowy landscape just outside. The shock and the contrast only serve to make him all the more ghostly, all the more haunting. You couldn't help but let your mouth drop because never in a million years did you expect that face to be under that mask.

 

“Not what you expected?” his voice rumbled—still deep without the mask—making his words vibrate within you.

 

If you had been weak minded you might have been hypnotized by his presence, but as much as his face pleased you, you were on a mission. And before Kylo Ren could even fathom what you were about to do, your fist came flying out of nowhere and a sickening _crunch_ rung through the air as it connected with his nose.

 

The Commander's hand shot towards his face as he let out a hiss of pain, your hand shaking from the aftermath. “If you _ever_ do that to me again without my permission, these sessions will be over. You are not to wear that god awful helmet, either. Do I make myself clear, **_Commander_ **?”

 

If looks could kill, you were sure you would be dead. He shot up at that same lightning speed you had witnessed the day before, his gaze burning into you as blood trickled down his nose. He was merely inches in front of you, breath brushing against your face.

 

Before either of you could explode, your door slid open, “Ren, I hate to cut your little session short but-” Hux came to a quick stop at the sight in front of him, “Why is he bleeding?”

           

“Because he’s an idiot.” you seethed, your eyes still not leaving Ren’s.

 

“I didn’t know idiocy caused people to just start spontaneously bleeding from the nose.” Hux responded, and you swore you heard a hint of humor in his voice.

 

You were the first to break eye contact, glancing over to look at Hux with a smug look, “I think It’s a new phenomenon.”

 

“Well, in any case, Ren, you’re needed on the _Finalizer_.” Hux said, stepping to stand next to the two of you. “We’ve intercepted a band of resistance scouts on one of the outer rim planets still held under our control. We need you to root them out.”

 

Kylo wiped his nose on his sleeve before picking up his helmet and putting it on, his eyes still glued to you in rage.

 

“You’ll be departing tomorrow at 0600, so the Doctor can finish her appointments for today and inform them of her departure for the time being.” Hux finished.

 

Both of your heads shot to Hux as if he had slapped you, “What? I must of heard you wrong…” you started.

 

“I’m afraid not. If you remember, it was stated in your contract that you would be sent where needed whenever the Finalizer departed.” Hux replied simply.

 

“The Supreme Leader failed to inform me that she was also required upon **my** ship.” Ren hissed through his helmet.

 

“You will do as the Supreme Leader asks, Ren.” Hux seethed.

 

Without so much as another word, the Commander rushed his way out of the room. A silence had fallen over you and the general, but it was quickly interrupted when a noise that you had never heard echoed through the corridor. It was shortly followed by the sound of metal being destroyed, a burning aroma clouding your senses instantly.

 

Hux’s gave you a look of realization — as if he knew _exactly_ what had just happened — before his jaw clenched in annoyance, “Doctor.” he merely replied through clenched teeth before exiting.

Not only had you managed to punch your Commander straight in the face, but you successfully achieved to piss him off even more then you already had. And now, because your luck was _just_ that good to you, you were going to be on his ship — in the middle of goddamn _space_ _—_ where running into him would be almost unavoidable.

 

You knew something was bound to make you regret your compliance within the jobs obligations, but _this_ ? This was definitely _not_ what you prepared for. And as you peered out of your window to let the finality of the situation sink in, there was only one thing that seemed to be centered amongst all your thoughts:

 

_I’m fucking screwed._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you JoelMiller for putting up with my crazy antics, without you I'm pretty sure I would crash and burn. (:
> 
> A very special thank you to FairySquadMother333 for all the kind words she has said, her enthusiasm towards my story always puts a smile on my face every time I get to read one of her lovely comments.
> 
> You guys have been giving such good feedback, I couldn't ask for a better audience. Keep it up and I hope you loved the new chapter!
> 
> If you enjoy my content, please consider supporting me on: [Buy Me a Coffee](https://ko-fi.com/A5552GXZ)


	6. Save Me

You had thought navigating the Finalizer would be an easier mission, but oh how you were so _wrong_ . _This ship is as big as a goddamn city!_ But, this was the First Order after all, everything had to display their show of power.

 

So there you were, standing like an idiot in the middle of the hangar, datapad clutched tightly in one hand trying to make sense of the electronic map in front of you. “Ma’am?” a soft voice startled you.

 

“Oh, Trooper…” you gave a small pause, trying to remember this troopers designation, “FN-2187?”

 

“Yes, ma’am. You looked a bit lost and I was wondering if you were in need of assistance.” He replied formally.

 

“That would be fantastic actually, and there is no need to be so uptight around me, I’m not actually part of the First Order you know.” you said with a smile.

 

“I appreciate that ma’am. I’m assuming you're trying to find your place?” he asked, posture relaxing.

 

“Yeah, I happen to be directionally challenged so if you can show me the most straightforward route from here that would be great.”

 

“Sure thing, follow me.”

 

* * *

 

Your second apartment was exactly counterclockwise of your one on Starkiller; your door opened to the kitchen area with your bedroom just to the left and your office/living area just to the right. Thank the stars your patients would just be coming to your apartment for their appointments.

 

You were also thankful for the fact that for the rest of the evening you didn’t have any patients till tomorrow, which left you with the whole night to soak in the shower, prepare dinner, and finally get a decent nights sleep for once.

 

But the whole night you felt _off_ . It was as if something was right behind you, trying to claw it’s way through to you. You had finished almost two bottles of wine before sleep finally took you into its warm embrace. That is, until there was knock at your door, and your sleep deprived mind didn’t notice the clock read _7:30am_.

 

You head seemed to pound in sync with the fists at your door, and you trudged your way over cursing under your breath and not even bothering to change out of your t-shirt and shorts. But as the door whooshed open, it was if the air that hit your face woke you from you trance. _Fuck_.

 

“It's too early for this... Please, for the love of tauntaun’s everywhere, someone give this man a gold medal because he has caused unforeseen panic within me for the third time this week.” you groaned at the hulking black mass in front of you.

 

“I don’t care if you are panicking - just do it quietly.” the Commander simply stated as he trudged his way past you.

 

“Rough night?” you joke as you walk past him to your kitchen to make yourself a cup of tea, “I don’t know about you but I need some caffeine, I haven't been exactly sleeping these past few days.”

 

“I know.” your hand freezed as you were pulling out two mugs, _he what?_ Before you could ask what he meant he quickly interjected with, “ You look terrible.” there’s the fucker I know.

 

Without even a glance his way, you made your way toward your room to get changed into your uniform while the water boiled for your tea, but when you came back you saw two mugs on your counter, one in the hands of Kylo Ren himself. His gloves and helmet were resting on your counter just to the left of their master; his eyes were cold and lifeless as they looked over to meet yours.

 

Out of nowhere the raven haired stranger spoke, “One day you’ll learn.”

 

“Learn what?” you ask gently, as you quietly make your way over to grab your cup of tea and rest your arms on the large counter top across from him.

 

“Someone like me doesn’t get to be happy.  Those luxuries are reserved for people like you.” he said just as coldly as his face looked, distant and detached.

 

“Remember, emotions aren’t always a bad thing.” you responded after a moment, taking a sip of your tea, realizing there was honey in it. _Just how you like it..._

 

“…” _Silence._

 

“They can be helpful.” you added, testing the waters.

 

“…” _Still nothing._

 

“Fine, I tried.” you huffed, wrapping your cold hands around your mug in a desperate attempt to control yourself. “Nobody can blame me. You can just ignore your humanity for the rest of your life.”

 

“That was my plan to begin with.” you thought you had imagined the small smirk that appeared on his lips, because it was gone in the blink of an eye.

 

“Of course it was.” you reply, straightening yourself and finishing the last of your tea before placing it by the sink.

 

You cleared your throat at the awkward silence that followed, “I-um, I’m sorry for making you bleed, not for punching you cause you deserved it but, it was unprofessional and I apologize.” You muttered.

 

“You know… That’s not what an apology sounds like.” you knew that he was pushing you.

 

“Bite me.” you grumble, did he always have to be this much of a dick?

 

“Do you honestly think you can help me?” something about the way he spoke unnerved you, and you could feel your heart pounding in your throat.

 

“Yes.” you replied quickly, your confidence burning in your eyes, why was he asking this all of a sudden?

 

“You know by helping me, you’re assisting me in conquering the galaxy? I thought you were trying to remain neutral.” his gaze met yours; it was as if he was reading something there at the tip of your mind but he just couldn't quite see it.

 

 _So that’s what this is about._ He was trying to dissuade you from your work.

 

“I think that’s your problem,” you start, traveling around the counter to his left side, your hand just inches from his helmet that lay on the counter “You only trust those who are absolutely like yourself, those who have signed a pledge of allegiance to this particular identity.” you finish, placing your hand on top of his helmet in a bold move; his eyes never leaving you.

 

_Knock. Knock._

 

The sudden noise at your door startled you out of the trace you were held in, the clock notifying you that your next appointment was here, “I think your time is up Commander.” you say, not removing your hand from the helmet but instead holding it out for him. You don’t know if it was on purpose or not but his fingertips brush against your hand as he takes it from you, clicking it back into place on his head.

 

“You said yourself, you're not part of the First Order,” he started, reaching over you to grab his gloves and place them back on his hands. “Call me Ren, or Kylo if it would suit you.”

  
And like that he was gone, the only thing to prove that the man and not the mask was there was the mug left sitting on your counter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can not say this enough but you guys are fantastic! Every time I post a new chapter I get nothing but love and warm comments. I can't thank you all enough for the support you continually give me, it's the reason I always start a new chapter with a smile on my face. 
> 
> Thank you JoelMiller for inspiring me and constantly encouraging me to be the best I can be for everyone reading my stories, you rock girl!
> 
> I hope you all loved this chapter, I can't wait for your feedback! Have a nice day lovelies.
> 
> If you enjoy my content, please consider supporting me on: [Buy Me a Coffee](https://ko-fi.com/A5552GXZ)


	7. Excuse Me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Chapter for you guys! I have been really working hard trying to keep cranking out chapters for you guys, I know I don't really have set dates which I release things and I do apologise for that! My schedule is just crazy trying to balance work, school, and this but I'll keep trying my best! Thanks for sticking with me and I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I did writing it. (:
> 
> If you enjoy my content, please consider supporting me on: [Buy Me a Coffee](https://ko-fi.com/A5552GXZ)

“Are you serious?” you giggled with excitement.

 

“I am.” came the short concise reply from Hux as he gingerly passed the orange ball of fur into your arms.

 

Your eyes met black slitted ones surrounded by green, and the orange tabby looked up at you and let out a small mew before nestling into your arms, purring with satisfaction.

 

 _I’m going to die of happiness._ You hadn’t expected to see Hux at your door asking you to take care of Millicent while he was away on business, but it was a nice surprise. You hadn’t seen the Comman- _Ren,_ for three days now; when he left the Finalizer aboard his cruiser to the awaiting planet below, you could immediately feel the air around you lighten.

 

“Not to sound ungrateful, because I’m sure you can see I’m almost hyperventilating with joy but, isn’t there someone you would trust her care with more than me? We did only just met a week ago.” you mumbled.

 

“It’s simple,” Hux started, his face that of boredom, “trusting you is my decision. Proving me right is your choice.”

 

“Well I’ll try my best to do so then.” you replied cheerfully, sending a smile his way.

 

It was as if Hux could sense your uncertainty as he tilted his head and analysed you before continuing with a lecture, “Don't doubt yourself, that will just lead to failure; I myself had doubts. I used to think that people wanted me around, that everyone respected me. But that was foolish, it’s better to be feared in the end. But I let myself believe it anyway, because if there’s nobody else around to tell me otherwise then everything would run smoothly. Then I realised that the things people do for me, no matter how small, they wouldn’t do that if they didn’t want me around, if they didn’t see my potential and significance.”

 

 _Oh, that’s why he’s being nice._ If you hadn’t been as perceptive as you were you might of just continued with your ignorant thoughts, but you knew better. Hux was using your services as a psychologist too but not in the professional matter, so that his underlings wouldn't see that he has his own struggles just like the rest.

 

“Thank you Hux, I will keep that in mind. Don’t worry, Millicent is in great hands.” you assured him.

 

“I have no doubts, Doctor.” hux replied with a short bow, taking his leave.

 

* * *

 

While Millicent was a welcome distraction and your patients always kept your mind off things during the day, you had not expected your first day off to be this dull. With Kylo Ren off the destroyer for the meantime, things seemed rather mute, not as high strung, and you had no idea why that bothered you. You should be happy that you were back to an actual normal sleeping schedule, but you needed something exciting.

 

“What’s the _worst_ thing you could do to someone?” you muttered around the piece of fruit you were chewing on.

 

“…kill them?” Phasma answered, confusion was plain on her face.

 

“Besides that.” you huffed, rolling your eyes playfully. You had been watching Phasma do her routine inspection on the blasters for over thirty minutes now.

 

“Ruin their credit?” Phasma replied once more, not seeming to understand what your were asking.

 

“No. Think… bigger.” you said with a grand wave of your arms.

 

“Make them fall in love with you, get engaged, and on the day of the wedding leave without telling them why. They will forever wonder where they went wrong, thus planting the idea that they’re not good enough to be loved into their head and effectively ruining any future romantic endeavors they might have and just their general overall quality of life.”

 

“…” _Holy shit!_

 

At your silence Phasma finally turned to look at you, “What?”

 

“No, you’re right. That's probably one of the worst things a human being can do to someone.” you muttered, popping another piece of fruit into your mouth as silence resurfaced between you two.

 

“Well, I’m officially bored.” You stated once you couldn’t handle it, slouching in your chair and sighing.

 

“If you don’t have anything to do…why don’t you help me with my work?” Phasma suggested.

 

“Uh... not _that_ bored. I’ll just keep watching.” The humour in your voice went hardly detectable, and you could tell exactly that when Phasma turned to you with an amused scowl.

 

“Has anybody ever told you how helpful you are?” Phasma chuckled, a small smile on her face.

 

“Aha, you’re really funny. Come on... this is combat stuff and you know I don’t really have any experience with it. I’d just make everything worse.” you laughed in response.

 

“Come, let me teach you then, that way we’ll both have something to do.” Phasma made a gesture for you to come forward.

 

“Ah now that wouldn’t be fair, I couldn’t take you away from your work! Come on chop chop, then it will be over with quicker!” you said nervously.

 

“Nonsense, get over here.” Phasma said insistently.

 

Groaning, you made your way over to Phasma, “Alright, I will show you the proper stance first and then I’ll let you fire live charges alright?”

 

Over the next hour Phasma learned quickly that you were hopeless when it came to firearms. You could barely hold up a rifle for a long period of time because the weight.

 

“This isn’t working,” she huffed, “you need to build up more muscle if I’m going to even teach your properly.”

 

“Why can’t you just be happy with teaching me with a small blaster?” you groaned like a child arguing with their mother.

 

“Because I would feel better knowing that you have proficiency with all weapons should the worst happen.” Phasma stated matter of factly.

 

“Phasma,” you gasped in exaggeration, “if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re growing soft on me.” you tired to hold in the laugh in your voice.

 

“Oh, shut up.” You receive a light punch in the shoulder, a chuckle escaping your mouth as Phasma steps back. “Come on. I’ve finished my inspection, lets get changed and hit the training room.” Phasma said making her way toward the exit.

 

When you didn’t follow, Phasma turned around seeing the pale look on your face, “Oh don’t worry, I know a private room we can use for the time being.”

 

* * *

 

 

The next hour had felt like _hell_. You could feel your muscles screaming at you for a break and Phasma could tell. “From now on, you’ll meet me every afternoon after your appointments to workout with me, and on the weekends I will continue teaching you how to use blasters, alright?” Phasma replied, looking down at you from where you were sprawled out on the floor.

 

“I know there is no way I can get out of this,” you huffed, “and you’re right, if I’m working here now I need to learn how to protect myself.” your voice sounded defeated.

 

“Good, I’ll see you tomorrow then?” Phasma said looking over her shoulder after she grabbed her things and was headed toward the door.

 

All she got in reply was your muffled groan and a wave of your hand. You just needed a few more minutes to compose yourself before you left, and the only thing keeping you from giving up all thought of leaving the floor was the idea of a shower getting rid of the smell of sweat stinging at your nose.

 

After awhile you finally managed to get up on shaky legs and grab your things. You were thankful that this training room was close to the officers cabins so you wouldn't run into anyone on the way back besides Phasma or the handful of other officers you had met this week. The idea of anyone else seeing you in your tight training shorts and top, reeking of sweat and self doubt just made you even more nervous.

 

As you were leaving, you almost tripped on a small round metal ball, but instead of falling, you had managed to kick it across the room and into the nearby wall. _Shit_. Lights started to flash from it and beeping sounds were echoing in the room, the metal ball lifted from the floor and zoomed over to you, hovering just above your head.

 

The next thing you know a laser is shot at you, hitting you directly in the shoulder. “Ouch! What the fuck?!” you hiss, it hurt but didn’t leave any damaged besides a red welt. Phasma told you not to touch the metal spheres or the rods on the wall, but they looked to go hand in hand and you had nothing else to defend yourself with. You barely managed to dodge another shot before you grabbed a rod from the wall, and your thumb had hit a button unknowingly to you and the rob vibrated to life, blue electric sparks emanating from it. _Why the fuck are there vibrobatons here?_

 

As if on cue the little robot shot at you again, and your arm went reflexively up to bat at it with the vibroblade, causing the laser to be redirected. You felt a small bit of pride rise in your chest but it was diminished quickly once the little voice from the robot announced “Stage two.”

 

“What? No, no stage two. Terminate program, cancel, delete!” you started shouting desperately, but nothing seemed to work.

 

Lasers were being shot at you in a more rapid succession than last time, but you were able to deflect them with relative ease amongst your shrieks every time it fired. _What have you gotten yourself into?_ You mentally cursed at yourself.

 

“Stage three.”

 

_Fuck._

 

“Stage five.”

 

“Wait! What happened to stage four?!” you yelled at the stupid robot, and you instantly though it might have suffered damage from your kick that jolted it to life in the first place.

 

You eventually made it to stage eight and at this point it took everything you had to keep the beams from hitting you. They were going so fast that you just let instinct take over, your eyes glazing over and letting your body work. Hopefully someone would come looking for you.

 

“What are you doing in here?!” boomed a voice you knew all too well.

 

You had been too lost to even hear the door slide open,  the sound of Kylo Ren’s voice snapping you back to reality and causing you to drop your focus and turn to him. The minute your eyes met his helmet, you were struck across the cheek with a laser and a hiss reverberated from your mouth, another hitting your abdomen. The next thing you know, Kylo stretched out his arm toward the droid from the doorway. You heard the sound of metal being crushed in on itself and looked back up to where the droid had been. In it’s place was a crushed piece of metal half its original size.

 

“How did you do that?” you breathed in amazement.

 

“Answer me first. What are you doing in here?” his voice was dangerous and laced with anger, and you felt that crushing presence return to you that you hadn’t felt in days.

 

“Me and Phasma were just working out and-” you stuttered out before being interrupted by Kylo as he stormed over to you and ripped the vibroblade from your hands.

 

“This doesn’t look like working out, and I don’t see the Captain.” he spat from under his helmet.

 

“I was just about to leave when I accidently kicked that thing and it fucking started attacking me! Excuse me for defending myself-” again his booming voice interrupted you.

 

“You could've gotten hurt! The Supreme Leader would have me by my throat if that happened.” his voice yelled at you, his anger seeping into your bones and his arm shooting out to grab your bicep to shake you hard a few times.

 

“Well I was hurt, no thanks to you!” you shout back. _Stupid fucking metal buckethead._ You inwardly are shouting at yourself, staring into that helmet you despise as it blocks you from the human inside.

 

You could see his body tense at that, his anger seeming to be replaced with something else as he looked away from you. His gloved hand shot back from you as if he had been burned.

 

Without another word he stormed out of the room, leaving you flushed and angry. After a time, you too rushed out of the room straight for your cabin, and you let the burning hot water of your shower wash away your frustrations. _If he hadn’t come when he did, it could've been a lot worse…_ You mentally scolded yourself.

 

After you had gotten into bed and started reading up on your schedules for tomorrow, you were notified that one of your patients who was a repairman on the Finalizer had to cancel his appointment because one of the comms rooms had been _‘vandalized.’_  The attached report only confirmed that it wasn’t vandalization, and more of a display of anger.

 

_Welcome back Kylo Ren…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JoelMiller, you are seriously amazing for being my Beta. Don't ever doubt yourself or your writing because you are a phenomenal human being with so much to give this word with your writing and kindness. Keep working hard and remember all the love you get from your readers! 
> 
> P.S. I am currently writing more today, but I wouldn't expect the next chapter till about 2/21/2017. That's my next day off so until then my dears!


	8. Let Me In

“Did you even sleep last night?” sounded Kylo’s voice, alerting you of his presence.

 

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” you muttered to the ceiling.

 

After last nights events there was no way you could sleep, and with the unexpected return of Kylo Ren came that buzzing, nagging sensation that kept you awake at night. So instead of rolling around in your bed for hours, you decided to make a cup of tea at three in the morning—which now lay cold beside you—while you lay on the countertop wondering what string of decisions in life could have lead you here. That and Millicent had decided you looked like a lovely piece of furniture and fell asleep on your stomach, and there was no way you could disturb such an adorable creature, so there you lay until a knock at your door had announced the arrival of the man whom had been causing you all of this stress.

 

“So,” Kylo began, the hiss of his helmet sounding off before he set it beside you on your counter top along. He places his gloves beside them before looking down at you with a blank face, “why exactly do you have Hux’s cat?”

 

“I’m watching her, is it not obvious?” you replied, still annoyed at the man looming over you as if you were a child.

 

“May I ask another?” he said glowering at you.

 

“Depends, is it a stupid one?” you weren't even looking at him — he was blurred to your vision as you continued looking at the ceiling.

 

He continued to stare at you, debating something, but it seemed he quickly changed his mind, “Why exactly is my shrink sprawled out on her counter still in her sleep clothes and staring at the ceiling as if it was the most interesting thing in the world?”

 

“If you’re looking to start a fight, I would have preferred you just punched me in the face.” you groan in response. His question seemed to be an innocent one but you knew he was hiding his real agenda, so you humoured him when he just continued to stare at you, waiting for a response.

 

“Does your brain ever hurt because it’s spinning with every unanswerable question out there? What’s the purpose of living? Can space truly be infinite? Is there life after death, or is that just a concept people made up to make themselves feel better? If matter and energy are always recycled, then can your inner being or your soul really just cease to exist? What’s the key to happiness, or is the real solution to synthesize our own happiness hormones? Would that even feel the same? Is there destiny, or do we create our own fate? You know, those kinds of things.” you were sure you sounded like a half dead lunatic, but he went on to ask, “Why have you been thinking on this so much?”

 

You could've sworn you saw a glint in his eye, like he was digging.

 

“When did this become a reverse therapy session?” you mumbled.

 

“Just answer the question.” he said, an authoritative command in his voice.

 

You finally turned your head to really look at him. Maybe if you opened up to him he would feel more comfortable with you during these ‘sessions?’

 

“I don’t know, I never really felt this way till I took this job. At times I have this nagging feeling at my skull like somethings trying to force its way into my head. It’s probably one of the biggest reasons I can’t sleep.” you answered honestly, leaving out the part that it’s only when he's around.

 

If you hadn’t been looking closely you would've missed the small flinch he gave at your answer, Millicent seeming to sense the anxiety between you two, finally trotted off to some other corner of your apartment to sleep peacefully.

 

Kylo seemed to be deep in thought at your answer, giving you the opportunity to slide off the counter, and you wobbled on your shaky legs hoping he wouldn't notice. When you had almost made it halfway to your room in the hopes of getting changed, his voice stopped you. “You know it’s okay, right?”

 

“What’s okay?” you respond, barely looking over your shoulder at him.

 

“To feel the way you do.” he paused, you sensed him moving closer to you as he spoke.

 

“Like what?” you say suddenly turning around to meet his eyes, you took this chance to try and turn the conversation back to him “Like the whole world is about to collapse on top of you, and in some way you want that more than anything?” you mimicked his steps and moved closer to him in return.

“Because it means all the pain will be over? But at the same time, you’re terrified of what would happen if it did?” you continued. By now you could feel his breath on your face, and before he could even answer you there was a knock at your door.

 

_Your next appointment, shit._

 

As you started walking toward the door to greet your next patient, you felt Kylo’s grip on your wrist dragging you over, his lips almost brushing your ear. “Yes,” he whispered, you felt chills run down your spine, “and I know you feel it too.”

 

Before you could even process what just happened, the black caped crusader donned his helmet and gloves back on before opening the door and striding past the awaiting trooper.

 

“Uh-ma’am, would you like me to come back?” the troopers voice sounded.

 

“Wha-?” you snapped yourself out of your daze to give him a warm smile and get yourself back into a professional demeanor, “No, please come in, I just need to get changed really fast.” you replied, motioning for him to come in.

 

“And how many times do I have to remind you to stop calling me ‘ma’am’, Frank?” you said with a smile, trying out the new name.

 

“Just once more, ma’am. And please don’t call me Frank...”

 

_Well, maybe next time._

 

* * *

 

“What makes a woman happy?” you announce, prancing beside Phasma as you two make your way towards the training room you had used yesterday. This kind of random discussion becoming a normal thing between you two.

“Um, I don’t know, flowers?”she looked at you, her brow arched and shoulders moving to form a shrug.

“No you idiot,” you slap her shoulder with the back of your hand playfully before leaning into to whisper in her ear, “it’s bubble wrap!” you giggled as you pulled some out of your bag.

 

“Where in the stars did you manage to get that?” Phasma replied with a short laugh of her own.

 

“A girl’s gotta have her secrets.” you say with a wink. The two of you stop just before the door, still laughing like teenage girls before Phasma instantly goes quiet and still as a statue as the door slides open.

 

Before you even had the chance to ask her what's wrong, your eyes land on the figure just inside the room. There Kylo Ren stood, mask nowhere in sight wearing a tight sleeveless shirt brandishing what looked like a sword on fire. Only after a few seconds did you realise it was a lightsaber, and you remember your father telling your stories about the sith and the jedi. But it was still so hard to believe that it was real, and time and time again you were seeing just how real it all was.

 

At the sound of the door _whooshing_ open, Kylo spun around to face you, Phasma immediately saluting him. “Sir, I didn’t think you would be in here. Dr. Malric and I will find another room to train. Excuse us.” Phasma had just grabbed your arm and was turning to leave when Kylo’s voice stopped you in your tracks.

 

“Don’t bother, I was just leaving.” Kylo responded to the captain, grabbing his nearby towel after deactivating his lightsaber. You could tell by the way Phasma was still standing stiff that she was scared by him, as was everyone else in the First Order besides Hux. _And you..._

 

This time you were the one to grab Phasma and drag her in, but if you didn’t use this opportunity you know you would regret it. _Phasma did bet me I could never embarrass her._

 

“What’s with you?” you start in a whisper, out of earshot from Ren, “Did you guys do the frick frack?”

 

“What?! No.” she whispered harshly.

 

“The crickety crack?” you couldn't help the smile forming on your lips.

 

“Stop.” Phasma said as her face goes red, her arm shooting out as she tries to cover your mouth to keep you quiet.

 

“The thingamabob? The slip n’ slide? The shake and bake?” with every new phrase, your voice grew louder.

 

“I swear to all the stars I will murder you if you don’t shut up!” Phasma replied barely containing her own laughter.

 

Your giggles and fighting had grabbed the attention of the brooding toddler himself, just as you planned. “Stop staring at me like you’ve just discovered a new species.” you shouted at him, could've sworn you saw the hint of a smirk grace his features before he left.

 

* * *

  


“That’s it. I’m done. Finished. Leaving. Don’t contact me. Let me go.” you said dramatically as your crawled your way to the door, muscles tired from another night's worth of hard exercise.

 

“Okay, I release you. You’ll be back tomorrow though right? Usual time?” Phasma said with a small chuckle.

 

“Yeah. I’ll bring snacks next time. But for tonight, I’m done.” you said, finally getting the strength to stand up.

 

“Got it. Now go on, you look pathetic.” Phasma replied, nudging you out the door.

 

You managed to trudge your way to your apartment, making a quick dinner before showering and snuggling in bed with Millicent for the night. Just before sleep could claim you, your datapad signalled you with a notification.

 

_12:42am Commander Ren:_

 

**You should sleep.**

 

_12:43am Lasseya Malric:_

 

**...how did you know I was awake?**

 

_12:43am Commander Ren:_

 

**Do I really have to answer that? Go to sleep.**

 

He had a point, maybe he was just guessing? But Kylo didn’t seem to be that type.

 

_12:45am Lasseya Malric:_

 

**Shut up!**

 

After that you promptly turned your datapad on silent and threw in on the other side of the bed, and for once sleep took you rather peacefully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are amazing and I can't say that enough. But anyways, another chapter for you guys! I've been super busy with work, classes, and maintaining my social life so I can't write as often as I'd like too but here it is. If you'd like to know when I'm writing or just shoot me a message if you want to talk or ask for advice I'm always available for you guys on my Tumblr at Nyvera http://nyvera.tumblr.com/
> 
> JoelMiller, I will not stop telling you how amazing you are so just get used to it. 
> 
> Till next time lovelies! (:
> 
> If you enjoy my content, please consider supporting me on: [Buy Me a Coffee](https://ko-fi.com/A5552GXZ)


	9. Wake Up

**_Wake up._ **

 

You shifted in your sleep, unknowingly to you that Millicent was meowing and pawing desperately at you in an attempt to wake you.

 

**_WAKE UP!_ **

 

You jolted awake to find Millicent staring at you and pacing across the bed, meowing desperately about something you couldn’t understand.

 

“What is it sweetheart? You hungry?” You said with a nervous smile.

 

After getting dressed, you made your way to her bowl to still see it full and untouched, Millicent still at your heels watching the door and pacing in front of you as if she was on guard.

 

“Milli? What’s wrong-” just as you were crouching down to comfort her, you heard a series of blaster fire in the distance. Without warning your head started to pound with a blaring intensity, as if someone was clawing to get in desperately.

 

You fell to the ground clutching your head in pain, Millicent rushed to you but her eyes still trained on the door. Suddenly the door slid open, and behind your tear soaked eyes you saw nothing, but Millicent was hissing wildly growling at whatever presence she felt.

 

Before you even had time to react, something grabbed you by the arm and hoisted you up, it’s claws digging into your arm. “What the fuck?!” you shouted in panic, swinging all your weight to one side in a desperate attempt to escape your attacker.

 

Millicent flung herself into the air beside you, latching on to your invisible assailant and causing it to scream. Its cloaking fell away to reveal a reptilian species you had never seen before.

 

You reached across your counter and grabbed your kitchen knife knowing Millicent didn’t have much time till the thing ripped her off, and like hell were you going to wait and see what would happen after that. Just as the thing had ripped Millicent off and held her in it’s claws, you jumped at it—not giving it time to even realize what was happening—as you jabbed your knife through its skull.

 

You had no clue how these things got on the ship or why but you had to find the other officers, so you quickly scooped up Millicent and with a muttered sorry, stuffed her into your messenger bag—making sure to leave room for her little head to poke out—but she seemed to know to stay put.

 

Not wanting to rip the knife out of that things skull, you grabbed your datapad before running out your room. You began to search for your neighbours so you could find out what was going on, but no one was there.

 

_Each room was vacant._

 

You pulled out your datapad and with shaky hands turned the sound back on, your stomach dropping at the notification that read that you had forty-three messages in your inbox. Most seemed to be from Kylo Ren and the others were from Phasma.

 

_SHIT!_

 

Quickly skimming through the messages you learned that Trogodiles had snuck aboard the ship with cloaking devices. It seemed whatever Ren had done down on the planet you were orbiting, Rattatak, had pissed them off.

 

You typed out a message to Kylo and Phasma asking where they were and what to do, hands shaking so bad that it took everything to keep them steady. Only seconds later did Phasma notify you to make your way to the bridge and to avoid the hanger bays, but most importantly to find something to protect yourself with.

 

Without a second thought, you ran to the training room and grabbed one of the vibrobatons you had used when the training droid had attacked you, turning it on and watching it hum to life.

 

Millicent mewed at you as if to remind you that you both had to move fast. “Right, um, you don’t happen to know the way to the bridge, do you?” you laughed nervously to yourself, Millicent giving you a look which you could only describe as ‘ _Are you serious?’_

 

“No, it’s alright, I got this! I think…” you huffed sadly. You knew the Bridge was on the top floor, all you had to do was find a lift or hope that you would stumble upon one or some other people who knew where they were going.

 

You tried desperately to move stealthily around as you took each twist and turn, and every time you moved closer to a hanger you could hear blaster fire in the distance. All you could do was mutter words of encouragement to keep yourself moving, even as you came across the bodies of First Order staff and crew. But you could see just ahead was a lift, and you took no time to sprint straight for it before slamming your hand down on the top level number and watching the door slide close. You breathed a sigh of relief as you speed toward your destination, patting Millicent on the head affectionately, but your moment of peace was soon interrupted.

 

All at once the power seemed to shut off in the elevator, the overhead light going out and now blinking a shade of red. It seemed you had stopped about halfway to your destination, which was the level you recognized as the medical ward. Luckily you were still able to open the door because  the last thing you needed was to be stuck in an elevator as things were going to shit.

 

As you stepped out cautiously, you heard a scream come from the nurses station down the hall and it occurred to you that apparently not everyone had made it to the safe zones. Quietly you made your way down the hall, stopping just before the door to the nurses station that looked to be blasted open by an explosive.

 

“Please! Please don’t hurt us!” came a wracking sob from one woman, the rest making unintelligible noises.

 

“Shut. Up.” a broken reptilian hiss echoed before it continued, “Die with honor.”

 

You looked around the corner to see that just two of the Trogodile stood before the three women, two of the male nurses laying dead on the floor. You imagined that the rest of them had made it out and they tried to stay behind thinking it was safer.

 

Just as the one Trogodile had raised it’s gun you met the eyes of one of the girls, putting a finger to your lips before creeping forward and raising your vibrobaton in preparation. “Now!” you screamed as you let the full force of your swing hit the Trogodile that had it’s weapon trained on the women. At the same time two of the girls had rushed the second, tackling it to the ground and knocking the weapon out of its hand. You grabbed the rifle and without a second thought blasted it in the head.

 

“Are you guys alright?” you asked breathless, the adrenaline still coursing through you.

 

The girl that was sobbing earlier replied, “Yes but, Derg and Kalic…” tears started rolling down her face once more.

 

“Now isn’t the time for this, you guys have to come with me okay?” you reached your hand up to wipe the tears from the girl's face, putting a hand on her shoulder and waiting for her to nod her head.

 

“Just breathe, I’m right here and I’m not going to leave you guys. I’m going to try my best to protect you but we have to make our way to the bridge. Do any of you know how to get there? The elevator at the north side just went out, is there another way?” you say after they had started to calm down.

 

“I know the other way,” the woman you had made eye contact with earlier spoke up, “but it’s all the way on the other side. What if there’s more of those things?” she muttered.

 

“Do you know how to use a rifle?” you asked as you were debating your options.

 

“A bit, I had blaster training.” she said after straightening herself out and clearing her throat.

 

“Well that’s better than I have, here.” you said handing the rifle to her. “You will lead the front, we travel in a square formation alright? You will be left front with another at your right. I will take rear right with someone to my left.” the girls stayed still not responding.

 

“Got it?” you say more forcefully till they are nodding their heads in agreement. “Okay, what’s your names?” you saying in an attempt to calm them down more; they needed to be if you were all going to make it without incident.

 

“Talisa.” the girl holding the rifle spoke up.

 

“Megara.” the one standing next to Talisa said with shaky breath.

 

“Astriel.” the one that had been sobbing earlier and moved close to you mumbled.

 

“I’m Dr. Malric.” you say with a smile, “I’m sure after this experience I’ll be seeing you guys in my office.” you accompanied your joke with a half-hearted laugh, only to be met with blank faces.

 

“Right, well, uh... let’s get going.”

 

“Wait, _you’re_ the Commanders shrink?!” Megara spoke in suddenly realization, shock going back to her features.

 

“How did you-?” you replied quizzically.

 

“Everyone knows that, but not a lot of us see the Officers. You guys belong to a whole different world.” Talisa said in awe.

 

You felt a tug on your sleeve, “Is it true that the Commander is secretly a squidy tentacle monster under his mask?” Astriel said, quickly forgetting about some of her fear.

 

“Those are all good questions but I promise I will answer what I can later if you all promise me that we can get going without incident.” you calm down the gossip, all the girls nodding their heads in understanding before you all moved out in search of the other elevator.

 

The girls did as they had promised and stayed in formation as you made your way across base, the sight of the lift in the distance making your heart start fluttering with excitement. But you noticed the girl's excitement as well, as they all started running for the lift. “Wait!” you hissed at them.

 

As you all hit the ‘T’ intersection of the hallway, the lift door slid shut and you heard Millicents growl of warning too late as the cloaking devices turned off all around you to show you were outnumbered eight to four. You raised your vibrobaton in front of you and pushed the girls behind you.

 

“What are you doing? We’re surrounded!” Talisa hissed at you.

 

“Well it’s either fight or perish, and I don’t know about you but I’m too pretty to die.” You replied to her, a smile plastered on your face in a desperate attempt to calm down your shaking nerves. You handed your bag that contained your datapad and Millicent over to Astriel.

 

All at once it was like everything went into overdrive; you let your body take over as the blaster fire in front of you went off from the three Trogodiles just across from you, and just like with the training bot, your body knew what to do as you deflected the bolts to the best of your ability. Your baton wasn't going to hold up against real blaster bolts for long, but you managed to redirect them and three of the Trogodiles now lay dead and Talisa took the opportunity and fired on the Trogodiles to your right.

 

As you turned to your left you were tackled to the ground by a Trogodlie that had a stun baton. It pressed it into your side and you let out a gut wrenching scream. Kicking it off of you with the jolt of what you assumed was adrenaline pulsing through your veins, it was knocked unconscious when its head hit the floor. When you got up, you saw that one of the two left had Astriel by the hair, and without thinking you rushed him and pounded his head against the lift door, hearing crunch after sickening crunch as his head continued to collide with the door over and over; but you didn’t stop.

 

You heard a voice in your head, one you had never heard before, _“Look at you. Such bloodlust. I always knew darkness would be a lovely shade on you.”_

 

Then, you felt the barrel of a rifle pressed to the back of your head, and only then did you come to your senses noticing Talisa had been overpowered by the last enemy and it had taken her rifle, leaving you now in its claws.

 

You thought this was your last moment till you heard something you would've never expected.

 

“Hand over the girl.” came the deep robotic voice of Kylo Ren.

 

“Not. Going. To. Happen.” the last Trogodile hissed every syllable in a broken phrasing.

 

You could feel Kylo’s dark anger from here, his lightsaber pointed at you and the Trogodile. “I don’t think you heard me, give me the girl and remove your hand from her or I’m going to cut off your arm and beat you to death with it.”

 

“Hey, _hey_. If you’re gonna do something stupid, you wait for me. We’ll do it together, alright?” you said squirming in the Trogodiles grip.

 

All of a sudden you felt that same sensation you felt when Kylo had reached out and crushed the training bot, “You will release her.” without a moments pause the Trogodile had let you go and the girls all ran toward you to support you before you fell, Kylo threw his arm out and the Trogodile went zooming past you all to Kylo’s waiting hand. The sound of Kylo’s lightsaber running through the Trogodile signaled that the worst was over.

 

Troopers started flooding the corridor, grabbing the Trogodile you had knocked unconscious. “Can I kill him?” you said after you waved the girls off and approached Kylo.

 

He whipped around and gazed at you with such fury; you couldn't see it but you could feel it. “ **No.** ” he said through gritted teeth.

 

You shrinked under his gaze and looked at the floor, “Just a little bit?” In response Kylo merely grabbed your arm and motioned for the girls to follow which they did reluctantly. You all entered the lift and went to the Bridge in the awkward silence that followed.

 

As Phasma spotted you she had to restrain every part of her not to go running towards you, “Are you alright?” she asked, the motherly tone still not lost on her voice through the helmet as she put a hand on your shoulder.

 

“What she did was reckless! You should have stayed put!” Kylo’s voice boomed, causing everyone but you to flinch.

 

“I’m sorry,” you started, your voice containing just as much venom, “ I didn’t think my place would have been all that safe considering one of those fucking lizards broke in and tried to kill me!” you shouted back.

 

Phasma’s voice interrupted the two of you, “These girls survived because of her sir, and after this we are going to need their medical skills.”

 

But the two of you didn’t listen.

 

“Why are you so eager to die?” Kylo’s voice spat.

 

“I’m not! I was just doing what’s right! Sorry if risking my life to protect others is such an inconvenience for you!” you shouted right back, puffing out your chest trying to be more intimidating, your nose almost touching his helmet.

 

“All I know is that one of us is right and the other is you.” he replied jabbing a finger at you, causing you to fall back slightly.

 

You huffed, “ Don’t you have to be stupid somewhere else?” you reply and cross your arms over your chest, looking away from the mask staring you down.

 

He was quiet for a pause, “Not till four.” he muttered, the angry aura around him diminishing.

 

You let a small smirk cross your lips as you turn back to the helmet and give a small laugh, "I’ll be fine now, if I need you I’ll give you the signal.”

 

“What signal?” he replied his head slightly turning to the side.

 

“I’ll imitate the scream of a terrified little girl.” you said not holding back a loud laugh, but that’s when you notice it, the laugh instantly dying in your throat and your eyes shooting wide at the pain.

 

"What’s wrong, I can see it in your eyes. The panic. What's gotten you so scared?" Kylo immediately turned tense again, stepping forward.

 

“Is she okay?” you heard Phasma’s voice growing faint behind you, your vision growing darker, the only thing you could see was Kylo in front of you.

 

You pressed your hand to your side, feeling the warm sticky liquid running over it, not noticing it before because of the power coursing through you and the black uniform. “So… I just realized… That I’ve been shot.” you said with a nervous laugh, before your vision totally went out. You didn’t feel yourself hit the ground but you did notice the arms that caught you.

 

That last thing you heard was Kylo’s voice in your head screaming your name.

 

_Lasseya!_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys, I can't even describe how much all your feedback has meant to me. It is honestly what keeps me going and inspired to continually write more. I hope you all enjoyed the chapter. (;
> 
> JoelMiller, no one could ever ask for a better Beta, you show me such love and support for this story and without you I would've never dreamed of writing it. Thank you so much.
> 
> As always, if you'd like to know when I'm writing or just shoot me a message if you want to talk or ask for advice I'm always available for you guys on my Tumblr at Nyvera http://nyvera.tumblr.com/
> 
> If you enjoy my content, please consider supporting me on: [Buy Me a Coffee](https://ko-fi.com/A5552GXZ)


	10. Healing

_This was real, right?_

 

Everything was a blur after you had passed out, only seeing glimpses of what happened after.

 

_Like, this all actually happened?_

 

You remembered being carried to the infirmary by Kylo, and those girls you had saved were rushing around as he barked orders to save you or, as he put it, would make sure that this time death wasn’t going to be as easily evaded.

 

_I’m not going to wake up tomorrow in some hospital and find out that this was all some sort of messed up coma dream?_

 

Fading in and out of consciousness, Kylo seemed to be by your side every time you could open your eyes. Phasma had stayed for a fair while as well but left when Kylo had ordered her to prepare an interrogation room, or that's what you think you heard.

 

_Or you know, that I had a psychotic break or something?_

 

After he left, there was nothing; the only thing you noticed was that lingering presence just on the outside of your mind occasionally stirring you into half consciousness. But your rest was short lived.

 

“I swear to the stars if you don’t get out of my sight in the next five seconds...” the distinct electronic voice of Kylo Ren sounded, stirring you slightly awake.

 

“What? You’re going to hit me? I’d like to see you try.” Hux hissed back as you slowly started to make their blurred forms out.

 

“The sooner you shut up the sooner I can get us out of whatever mess that _you_ made.” Hux’s seething voice continued. He must have been called to the Finalizer after what happened.

 

The meds you were on were still heavy in your system, but you had to take the chance to see these men jump. “Guess what?” you announce loudly.

 

The sight of the two men nearly falling over from being startled was enough for you, but you had to keep going. “What?” Hux was the only one brave enough to reply after he smoothed himself out, but he still seemed somewhat pleased at the sight of you finally awake.

 

“Good job.” you smiled like a five year old that knew something he didn’t.

 

“…what?” Hux’s face contorted into a pained confused face.

 

“I told you to guess ‘what’ and you did! Thanks.” you laughed to yourself.

 

“…oh for fucks sake.” Hux exhaled deeply, and you could've sworn you saw what looked like a smirk, but all of his facial expressions were variations of a grimace.

 

The little mew you heard jolted you further into consciousness. Finally looking down, you saw Millicent curled up at your feet and at your sudden vocalization she had made her way over to rub her face against yours as she purred.

 

“At least you managed to exceed my expectations just as I thought.” Hux sighed, walking to your bedside to pet Millicent lovingly. It was the first real sign of true emotion you saw in the man. “Thank you for taking such good care of her.”

 

“She’s such a good furry baby.” you giggled in your delusional state, “She saved me…” you mumbled into her fur as you buried your face back into her.

 

“Since she’s more than happy. I would ask you to continue to watch her till we all get back to Starkiller, I still have some things that need doing and not to mention this mess I have to clean up.” Hux replied glancing over at Kylo to sneer at him once more.

 

“Okie dokie artichokie.” you replied, giving the general your biggest toothy grin.

 

“Right…” Hux started, looking at you like you just threw up a womp rat, “rest up, I assume you’ll recover fully in about a week. With the amount of resources we burned through unnecessarily for you I’d even say three days.” and with that Hux left, obviously in a hurry to be elsewhere.

 

When Kylo finally moved your eyes immediately snapped to him, following him as he made his way to the chair next to your bed and took off his helmet running his hands through his hair. It seemed to be a way he tried to control his anger, because even in your delirious state you could sense just how on edge he was.

 

After what felt like forever Kylo finally spoke up, “What are you gawking at?” he growled in annoyance.

 

“Nothing…” you mumble, “just counting the stars.” you reply, eyes never leaving him.

 

At this he cocks his eyebrow up at you, “It’s pointless to count stars.” he says finally.

 

“It’s also pointless to count freckles, but I know you have thirty-six.” you say with a smile.

 

His eyes drill into you as if you said the most fascinating thing in the world, “You’re not in your right mind, go back to sleep.” he huffs, crossing his arms over his broad chest.

 

But you can’t help it, you’re awake and you don't want to go back to sleep, “Can I tell you something?”

 

Kylo let out a long groan, obviously frustrated with your drugged mind, “What’s that?” he finally asked with a dull tone.

 

“In the right light,” you pause, squinting your eyes to look at the raven haired man before you, tapping a finger to your lips in thought, “you could be considered attractive.”

You had never seen a person look as baffled as Kylo did in this moment, and inwardly, you saved the priceless look in your mental scrapbook.

 

“Well since you seem to be fine, there should be no reason for my attendance.” Kylo said, standing back up and putting his helmet back on in a hurry.

 

But being the difficult person you were, you started crawling out of bed as he made his way to the door. Before he even got there, he sensed you behind him and he glared at you over his shoulder through his visor, “If you don’t stay in bed I will tie you to it!”

 

“Kinky.” you giggled, but that's when you felt it: the aching throb in your side. You clutched your side in pain, and Kylo was at your side in an instant.

 

“I told you to get back to bed.” he hissed at you.

 

You still tried to protest amongst the pain, “But-!”

 

“Now!” he bellowed, finally having enough of your foolish stubbornness as he picked you up like you weighed nothing and placed you back on the bed. “But, the sheets are all scratchy…” you mumbled through pouted lips, but once your head had hit the pillow you felt yourself being lulled to sleep.

 

“Sleep…” Kylo whispered to you as you slowly started to lose consciousness, not even noticing when he nervously tucked your hair out of your face.

 

“Sir?” came Phasma’s voice behind Kylo, snapping him out of his thoughts as he turns at her voice. He eyed her warily for a minute as if he had done something bad, but then his face was wiped of emotion and he met Phasma's glazed look.

 

“Be careful around her, she’s practically hopped up on cough medicine.” Kylo said cooly, before making his leave, his smile only known to himself.

 

* * *

 

 

Over the next two days you were anything but a ray of sunshine. You wanted out of the hospital clothes and real food, and you wanted it now! Which lead you to this predicament with Phasma.

 

“Take the damn medicine!” Phasma shouted as she wrestled with your flailing limbs, trying to make you swallow the foul concoction she was offering you.

 

“No, its gross!” you shrieked, trying with all of your might to overpower the woman before you.

 

“Stop acting like you’re two and take it!” Phasma hissed in retaliation, evidently not giving up. You continued to deny the medicine to the point where she _actually_ tried to pry your mouth open and shove it down your throat herself, and it was because of this struggle that you hadn’t heard the footsteps of someone entering the room.

 

“Am I interrupting something?” Kylo asked, the amusement in his voice only registering to you.

 

Phasma had nearly launched five feet in the air at the sound of his voice to immediately salute him, the medicine forgotten for that one moment in which you took the chance to run and hide behind Kylo.

 

Phasma had tried to grab you at the last second but it was too late. Her gaze wavers between you and Kylo, and her face falls flat as if she’s irritated, “She needs to take her meds, Sir, and she simply refuses.” Phasma huffed.

 

“Is that right?” Kylo only glanced behind his shoulder to look at your cowering form behind him before he continued, “how about a proposition then?”

 

That perked your interests, “I’m listening.” you replied, staring at him with doubt in your eyes.

 

“If you take the medicine I will personally escort you out of the infirmary and to your apartment.”

 

You hummed in thought, “And if I don’t?”

 

“I tell the staff that you’re feeling worse and add a few days to your bed rest.” Kylo said with a smirk that you could practically feel.

 

You mulled it over for a few seconds before adding, “Okay, but I want to get changed first, and after that I want to go to the Command Center so this time I actually know how to get there.”

 

“Done.” Kylo said simply.

 

Without a second thought, you stormed over to Phasma and took the green liquid she was holding in her hand before downing it in one go. But nothing could prepare you for that awful taste that made your scrunch up your nose in disgust and shake around like it would help the taste leave your body.

 

You don't know how they got there but as you turned to look at Kylo to show him you had indeed taken you medicine, you saw one of your uniforms neatly folded on the stool in front of him. _What the fuck?_ But instead of questioning it you simply let it slide for now.

 

When you grabbed for you clothes, Kylo remained unmoved, “Either turn around or get out!” you shouted at him. He seemed confused for a second, looking between you and the clothes as if he were trying to assess the situation. Realization finally clicking, he turned around in silence and made his way to the frosted glass door, standing just outside of it.

 

“Life sucks.  The world sucks.  Everything sucks.” you groaned as you tried but failed to get your shirt on properly since it pulled on your new scar tissue.

 

“You were shot, you’re not dead.” Phasma said with a short laugh before moving to help you.

 

“I’m not so sure about that.” you grumble after your head and arms were finally free from the tangled mess.

 

“Seriously, grow up.” Phasma continued to giggle.

 

“Are you two finally done?” Kylo’s voice snapped.

 

“Yeah, yeah we’re coming!” you shouted at him, adding, “ _You grumpy sith fuck._ ” under your breath, and you could of sworn by the way his figure scrunched through the glass that he heard you.

 

Before the three of you left Kylo added, “Captain, Hux has requested your presence at a briefing with your troops.” It never ceased to amaze you how differently all these people acted towards each other, but when it came to you they seemed like totally different people; normal even.

 

Phasma donned her own helmet before bowing to Kylo, not questioning anything he would ask. The tone of her voice when she answered him always assured you that if it came down to it and he ordered Phasma to kill you she would do it without question. “Yes, sir.” she responded robotically before turning to leave, not a word uttered to you.

 

You couldn't help but think these dark thoughts over the last few days. You had been working for the First Order but you were treating it like you would any other job; with warmth and kindness, but when it came down to it, a lot of these people only had darkness within them. The thought always left a weight heavy on your heart.

 

As soon as Phasma was out of sight, you only had a second to process the familiar feeling of warm strong arms lifting you off the ground. “I’m not dying, I can walk around fine!” you shouted, squirming in Kylo Ren’s arms your face as red as a tomato, “You don’t need to carry me...” you huffed as you realized your struggle was futile.

 

The two of you made your ways through the hall, just like that, before Kylo spoke up. “What happened back by the lift when you were all surrounded?” his voice seemed calm but something seemed off to you.

 

_Why is he bringing that up now?_

 

“Those trogodiles were going to kill us, so I acted on instinct.” you said simply, shrugging the the best of your abilities.

 

“And when you smashed the one's head repeatedly against the lift door? That was just pure instinct?” you felt Kylo tense slightly under you as he said this.

 

“Yes? I don’t know, I just let my body take over…” you mumbled. You didn’t want to be thinking about this; it had been going through you mind over the last few days along with all your other dark and depressing thoughts.

 

“And that’s what,” Kylo paused, choosing his words carefully, “ _concerns_ me.”

 

_What’s up with him?_

 

“Well, maybe it shouldn’t.” you sighed, looking up at his helmet as he stared at a fixed point in front of him, “Look, whatever’s causing me to get these headaches and whatnot… I’ll find out what it is sooner or later and I’m assuming you’ll help, since you’re ‘ _concerned’_.” you say as you make quotations with your fingers, trying to make a small joke amongst all the seriousness, “Right?” you say with a tone of finality in your voice, trying to ease the situation away to something else. It seemed to work since you were met with silence, but you swore he was holding back a laugh, as if he heard a private joke.

 

“You’re smiling,” you started, glaring up into his helmet before he looked down at you finally, “you’re not mad at me…are you ok?” you asked quizzically.

 

“How do you know I’m smiling at you?” he asked with a softer voice so only you could hear him.

 

“I don’t know, I just do.” you shrugged, before picking at your nails that had grown longer while you were in the infirmary.

 

Kylo only hummed in response before suddenly depositing you to the floor. The shock of it caused you to stumble but he merely caught you by the arm like he had multiple times before, letting you go after you steadied yourself.

 

The door in front of you slid open before you even had a chance to prepare yourself, and Kylo strode in without even waiting for you to process all the lights and buttons and official feeling of the room before you. Almost immediately, someone to your left shouted ‘Commander on deck!’ before they all rushed up from their chairs to salute the man you’ve constantly bickered with since day one. The amount of fear you felt in the room was sickening.

 

You slowly made your way across the floor to stand next to Kylo. He was only a few inches taller than you but in moments like this he seemed to tower over everyone, his air of intimidation choking everyone around him.

 

You let out an impressed quiet whistle before staring out at the stars like he was doing, “To think I just saw you as Commander Whiney-Britches, but you could get anything by just ordering it can’t you?” you mumbled so only he could hear you.

 

He seemed to be content with your comment and let peaceful silence surface between the two of you as you stared out at the stars. _I always wanted my own star…_ When you were little you thought you could simply grab one out of the sky if you tried hard enough.

 

Suddenly Kylo’s quiet yet warm voice startled you out of your trance, “I could steal the stars for you if you like,” Kylo started with humor in his voice “-but I can also get them through legitimate means, if that impresses you more.” he finished, turning to glance at you as your cheeks heated up.

 

_How did he always know what you were thinking?_

 

None of the officers below the two of you had any idea what was going on, or even what the two of you were talking about, but if they could, you swear they would go deaf and dumb at the idea of the Commander acting like this. Joking and being _friendly_...you can imagine the thought was impossible to them.

 

So, you combatted the nervous feeling growing inside you the only way you could, with humor. “Hey, if we were caught in a zombie apocalypse–” before you could finish Kylo interrupted you.

 

“I would make sure you were remembered as more than my human shield.” he said simply as he turned back to look at the galaxy before him.

 

You rolled your eyes playfully, changing the subject as something caught your eyes, "So, what happens if I press this button?" you said innocently, pointing at a particularly interesting looking red button.

"Nothing," he replied simply, seeming not to even be looking at it.

 

You pushed the button, grinning. "It's when you let go that things get nasty." your hand froze and the grin on your face left with the icy wind of fear that came blowing your way. But there it was again, that smile that you couldn’t see but felt.

 

“You’re smiling again.” you growled. “And that wasn’t funny.”

 

“I thought it was.” he replied dully.

 

“...so can I really let go?” you asked, looking to the helmeted figure beside you.

 

For the first time since you met the man, the aura around him was warm and not as cold and angry as it had been. The thought made you smile and laugh not caring about all the faces that turned your way and looked at you in horror as you laughed beside the Commander.

 

* * *

 

On your way back to your apartment, Kylo finally consented to you walking without his ‘assistance.’

 

As you stood in front of your door you turned around and looked at him for a few seconds before asking, “Hey, uh, this… wasn’t us bonding, right?”

 

He seemed struck by this, his silence dragging almost to the point where it was unbearable. You thought he turned to stone before he finally answered, “Oh, the force forbids it, so...no.” he replied, a joking tone in his voice that seemed to betray the deep sadness that crawled up his throat, not at your words but at something else that was in his mind.

 

“Good. See you in the morning.” you said with a smile before leaving the great Kylo Ren at your door, his own sad smile on his face.

 

“Till tomorrow.” he murmured.

 

That night you fell asleep with no resistance, but your dreams didn’t let you off the hook.

  
Not this time...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The feedback on the last chapter was amazing! I'm so sorry I stressed you guys out with that last one.. But here is the next one as promised! 
> 
> JoelMiller, never doubt yourself your work and support is absolutely phenomenal. If you guys haven't already check out her work, you won't regret it!
> 
> As always if you want updates or want to ask me any questions you have, hit me up at my Tumblr at Nyvera: http://nyvera.tumblr.com/
> 
> If you enjoy my content, please consider supporting me on: [Buy Me a Coffee](https://ko-fi.com/A5552GXZ)


	11. Turning Tides

**_“She's growing stronger, I can sense it…” growled a raspy voice._ **

 

_‘What’s going on? Who is that?’_

 

**_“It’s accelerating at a fast rate, what is to be done with her?” Kylo asked the voice, his own holding no emotion._ **

 

_‘Kylo?’ this whole thing felt wrong, it felt as if you were awake and moving but you knew you were asleep._

 

 ** _“Continue to watch her progress and report back to me,” the voice grumbled, the very air it breathed dripping with darkness, “you will also continue with your counseling. As much as you try to insist_** **_that it is not working I see an improvement in your control, my apprentice.”_**

 

**_“As you wish…” Kylo said through gritted teeth, “And if she continues to show progression?”_ **

 

**_“You will train her as she is you, and if she refuses…” the voice paused letting the sickening air creep into Kylo’s bones, “Kill her.”_ **

 

_Your heart rate was accelerating, ‘What?’_

 

**_Kylo let his silence be the answer before continuing, “One more thing, master.”_ **

 

**_“What is it?” the voice asked in curiosity._ **

 

**_“It’s coming back, I can feel it.” you felt Kylo’s hands tighten into fists at his side. “All the unwanted thoughts, the pain, the desperation, and I fear there’s nothing I can do to stop it. Do you really think that she-”_ **

 

**_The voice interrupted, “Yes, there is a reason we brought her here. Things may have changed but her primary function is to help you, and she has in the short time she has worked for us.”_ **

 

_This was too much information; you needed to wake up, but as you swam deeper into the mind of Kylo Ren all you felt was fear and pain. There were distant voices screaming in his head and all he wanted to do was shut them out._

 

**_“I understand, I will not fail you Supreme Leader.”_ **

 

You woke with a gasp, your heart pounding in your chest, sweat slick on your skin. Millicent jumped at your sudden activity and looked at you curiously, a small mew escaping her mouth.

 

“Sorry Milli,” you said quietly, scratching just behind her ear, “I had a really weird dream.”

 

Though you knew she couldn’t respond to you, you felt as if the look she gave you was one that read the expression: _‘Oh yeah, I get those too.’_

 

You let out a big yawn and stretched your limbs, the popping noise from your joints seeming like music to your ears, “Let’s get some breakfast.” you replied cheerfully to the tabby cat. The scar on your abdomen only gave you some resistance but that would go away with a little bit of exercise and stretching.

 

The clock read only _5:13am_ which left you plenty of time to make breakfast and prepare your notes for today's appointments. You had to get back into the swing of things; the past few sessions you had with your patients had not gone as smoothly as you had wanted but in the end that was your fault.

 

Thirty minutes later you sat at your desk with a stack of pancakes, eggs, toast, and your favorite cup of tea. You weren’t going to let that dream affect your work or your day, and you honestly needed every moment you could spare in the morning to prepare for Kylo Ren. The two of you seemed to be getting close—at least that's what you hoped—and he was a difficult subject for sure, but there was a part of you that screamed to help this man, no matter the cost.

 

So here you were scanning over past notes, too lost in your favorite music playing through your earbuds to even notice the time or the fact the Kylo Ren rested just in the doorway of your office like he belonged there.

 

“You seem to be feeling better.” Kylo’s warm, unfiltered voice caused you to jump, his smug face having a look of triumph on it. You could never get over the sight of his face, and while you were hopped up in the hospital you still remembered what you had said to him. The thought alone made you blush.

 

“So you’re inviting yourself in now?” you answer with a smile after you recovered from the initial shock. You rose out of your chair and gathered all of your notes and transferred them to your datapad with the swipe of your hand.

 

Kylo let a small smirk come to his lips, “Perhaps.” was all he said, giving you a small shrug as well, but his eyes showed how tired he was.

 

“Did you not get enough sleep?” you ask innocently as you make your way over to the sitting area of your office and motion for Kylo to follow.

 

“You can’t get enough if you didn’t have any at all.” he replied as if it was a normal thing.

 

“Well, I’m not your mother so I can’t really tell you what to do but I can suggest things. It’s just up to you if you follow my advice or not.” you say as you finally both get settled down.

 

Kylo merely shrugged at the notion, so switching topics, you decided to start with something you know would catch his interest. “So, red.” you say simply. Kylo cocks his head at you in slight confusion, wondering where you are going with this.

 

“Your lightsaber,” you clarify, “you know red is such an interesting color, it closely correlates with emotion, because it's on both ends of the spectrum. On one end you have happiness, falling in love, infatuation with someone, passion, all that.” you pause, letting it all sink in for him. You notice his eyes flicker to yours and stay locked there, “On the other end, you've got obsession, jealousy, danger, fear, anger and frustration.”

 

Instead of blessing you with silence like Kylo usually does, he spoke up, “The Dark Side of the Force thrives on such emotions,” he started, still looking into your eyes, “unlike the Jedi who discourage intense feelings.”

 

“Is there no middle ground between the two?” you ask innocently.

 

“If there was I wouldn’t have this problem!” Kylo snapped suddenly.

 

You paused before continuing, knowing you were walking on thin ice, “Look, I know that you’re going through alot right now,” _that much is obvious,_ you added in your head, “and that it’s tearing apart your mind, and toying with your emotions. But you have to realise, this will all go away in time.” you finished, giving him a small smile.

 

“What if I don’t want it to go away? What if this is who I am, forever?” Kylo finally replied after a time.

 

If you were going to help him you had to be honest, “Kylo, I don’t want you to feel this way anymore.”

 

“I don’t think that’s up to you.” he mumbled, finally tearing his gaze away from you.

 

You knew that some part of what he said was true, but you had a job to do. “Then let me help you.” you whispered to him.

 

Kylo’s eyes were back on you in an instant looking for any sign of doubt in you, but he found nothing, so you continued. “Just because you’re okay being alone doesn’t mean you have to be.”

 

Kylo was silent for far too long, looking at you as if you were saying the impossible before finally he spoke. “Why?”

 

“The First Orders’ main goal is to rule the Galaxy, is it not?” you started, looking at him for confirmation before he nodded his head in agreement, “Then I will help you with that, and in the meantime you can promise me that you'll let me help you carry this weight while you try to find yourself amongst the chaos.”

 

“How would you suggest I go about this then?” Kylo replied, doubting the fire in your eyes.

 

Your heart grew heavy with what you were about to say, but it was the only way you could think of right now that might save him in the long run. “Fear is the most elegant weapon, your hands are never messy. Threatening bodily harm is crude. Instead, work on minds and beliefs—play insecurities like a piano.” you rose from the couch as you continued, pacing around the couch on which Kylo was sitting, “Be creative in your approach. Force anxiety to excruciating levels or gently undermine the public confidence. Panic drives human herds over cliffs; an alternative is terror-induce immobilization.” Before you continued, you stopped in front of him, looking down into his eyes and letting your face show no sign of emotions as you finished, “Fear feeds on fear. By putting this efficient process in motion manipulation will not limited to just people. Economic, social and democratic institutions can be shaken. It will be demonstrated that nothing is safe, sacred, or sane. There are no respites from horror, and your absolutes are quicksilver.”

 

Kylo was silent as he stared up into your eyes, his mouth slightly agape at the wave of intimidation that your presence created in that moment. You felt a strong warm aura seep into your skin that you did not recognize, but it felt hungry as if it was latching onto you  with a lustful appetite, causing you to close your eyes and shiver. Kylo launched himself from his seat in that moment, and before you had even opened your eyes again, he was too close. You could feel the heat radiating from his body and when you finally looked into his eyes, you could see emotion there; raw and intense, as if they were screaming at you.

 

Millicents sudden meow knocked you out of the trance you were in, and only then did you hear the knocking at your door. You stepped away from him reluctantly, picking his helmet up off of the counter in your kitchen and bringing it over to his outstretched hands.

 

“You know,” You started with a wicked smile, “I’ve always hated people like you who try to take over the universe. They never fail to make the people like me, who actually could take over the galaxy if we wanted to, look bad.”

 

“You’re an idiot.” he muttered after he had replaced his helmet.

 

“First of all, I know. Second of all, _rude!_ ” you replied, almost punching his arm playfully but thinking better of it.

 

He was about to open the door when you said, “I expect you to be here on time tomorrow for evil space camp by the way.” you finished with a big goofy smile on your lips, and you could've sworn you felt him laugh.

 

 _Till tomorrow…_ you swore you heard him say, but the sound never reached your ears as he made his way past the awaiting stormtrooper.

 

“Please come in, I’m just going to jot down a few notes and then we can proceed alright?”

 

“Of course, Doctor.” the trooper replied.

 

As you were typing away all the notes from last session your datapad pinged with a notification from Phasma.

 

_8:46am Captain Phasma:_

 

**Workout then dinner tonight?**

 

_8:47am Lasseya Malric:_

 

**Wouldn’t miss it for the world!**

 

_8:47am Captain Phasma:_

 

**Liar, see you at 6pm.**

 

_Fuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so so sorry for not updating sooner guys, I have been super busy and I just got back from Naka-Kon so I didn't really have time to get anything down but here it is! 
> 
> JoelMiller = Beta for life
> 
> As always if you want to contact me asking for a one-shot or you need someone to talk to or are just bored, hit me up at my tumblr: Nyvera http://nyvera.tumblr.com/
> 
> If you enjoy my content, please consider supporting me on: [Buy Me a Coffee](https://ko-fi.com/A5552GXZ)


	12. Watch Me Burn

_I’m going to die._

 

“Are you quiet finished?” Phasma said as she looked down at your pathetic form sprawled out on the training mats.

“Give me a few more minutes to wallow in self pity and then I will be right with you.” you replied through struggling breaths.

 

“Enough with the dramatics,” Phasma said with a laugh, thrusting her arm out for you to grab so she could hoist you up, “if you don’t get that ass moving, all the best food will be gone.”

 

With a groan you let Phasma pull you to your feet, causing the scar tissue at your abdomen to pull angrily, a hiss echoing out of your mouth from the sudden pain. “If you don’t try to exercise it, you'll never get back to your full strength.” Phasma said with a huff, stringing you towards the showers so the two of you could freshen up and get changed.

 

As the two of you were leaving, you stopped  at the sound of the training door sliding open, red hair coming into view. “Ah, Doctor, just who I was looking for.” Hux said, face showing no true emotion.

 

“Hux,” you replied shortly, “to what do I owe the honor of your presence?” you said with a deep bow, trying desperately to keep your laughter contained.

 

“We have business to address, so if you would follow me we will discuss further matters over dinner.” Hux replied as if he was already bored with the small talk.

 

“Oh, Phasma you wouldn’t mind if I-” you started to say before you were interrupted.

 

“No she wouldn’t, now if you would please follow me.” Hux said before turning to leave the room.

 

You glanced over your shoulder and mouthed ‘sorry’ before turning to follow Hux. The whole trip to Hux’s apartment was silent and you maintained a respectful distance behind him as you walked, surprised at how all the troops made way for him as you both crossed the ship, saluting him as the two of you passed.

 

After what felt like an eternity, the two of you had finally reached Hux’s cabin. As the door opened, the scent of food hit you like a wall, mouth beginning to water at the smell. “You know what they say about nice people, don’t you?” Hux started out of the blue, leading you to his dining table and taking a seat, “That they were originally born evil, but trained to be good.”

 

You looked at Hux and scowled, not liking where this conversation was going, “So you must know what they say about evil people; that they were never trained to be good.”

 

Hux smiled a wicked smile that you had never seen before, “Oh, they tried to train me to be good, I just never listened.”

 

You let out a huff as you took your own seat, marveling at the food before you but still noting your irritation at the man. “I’m sure that sounded different in your head, but please never say it again.” you replied, staring daggers at the man as you took the glass of nearby wine in your hand and took a sip.

 

He gave a small smirk before continuing, “Well down to business then,” Hux said pulling out a napkin and laying it on his lap before picking up his fork. “the Supreme Leader tells me that Ren is showing signs of improvement. I don’t see it but if he says it’s working than I have no choice but to agree.”

 

You took your own fork in hand, testing the food and waiting for him to continue, “But, this.” Hux sighed, sweeping his arm through the air in a grand gesture, “This is what arrogance does, and Ren is nothing but arrogance.”

 

You couldn’t keep your mouth shut, you tried, _you really did._ “What do you expect?” You start, not trying to hide the angry tone in your voice, “We all eat lies when our hearts are hungry, especially when it’s the lies we tell ourselves to feel better for the things we’ve done.”

 

Hux’s face turned to one of seriousness at your words, that you were actually protecting Kylo Ren, “He is a weapon, and a killer. Do not forget that.” he spat, “You can use a spear as a walking stick, but that will not change its nature.”

 

You bit your tongue at his words, glaring at him from across the table, your meal long since forgotten. Hux continued, “You know, it takes a very broken and twisted soul to do what you do. But you can’t help but be drawn to the darkness, can you?”

 

“Go to Hell.” you growled at him.

 

“Been there,” he said, voice sounding bored before he lifted his icy blue gaze at you, “the Devil didn’t like me and _spat_ me back out.” he said, his voice full of passion you had never heard before. “Why do you insist on protecting him when you know what he is? Don’t be so naive as to think that those headaches you get are just ‘headaches’. You know they are because of him and you just don’t want to accept that. He's trying to get into your mind and control you, don’t you see?”

 

You huffed out a breath in disbelief, getting tired of what he was saying and hitting him where you knew it would hurt, “I’m sorry you were never truly loved and that it made you cruel.” at your words that eerie smile of his turned sour, and the look of venom in his eye made you shiver.

 

“Chin up Princess, your crown is slipping.” he muttered as a warning. “You’ll soon understand that you can’t run from the shadow, but you can invite it to dance.” he seethed.

 

You had had enough and stood from the table in an instant, you felt that same jolt of power that you had before when you had killed the trogodile; but before you did something you would regret, the door to Hux’s cabin slid open.

 

“Hux the Supreme Leader wishes-” Kylo was striding into the room but froze when he saw you.

 

A tear threatened to spill down your face, “You know Hux, I don't exactly hate you, because I know it’s not your fault that you are this way.” you started, clenching your fists at your side trying to control your rage, “But if you were on fire and I had water, I’d drink it and watch you burn.” you let all your anger seep into your words as you threw them at him. You didn’t even acknowledge the confused Kylo as you stormed your way past him.

 

As you quickly made your way through the halls, you felt that pulling sensation at your head. You couldn’t handle it, not after everything that Hux said, so you simply let it in just so you could say, _“GET! OUT! OF! MY!_ **_HEAD_ ** _!”_

 

There was silence before you heard what confirmed what Hux had said. It was Kylo’s voice, _“Trust me, I’d like to but you have to understand...”_

 

 _“What, Kylo? That you’ve been lying to me? That you knew_ **_exactly_ ** _what was wrong with me?!”_ all of your confused emotions were swirling around your head as you stumbled your way home. Not caring who saw the tears streaking your face.

 

 _“There is nothing wrong with you, don’t let Hux’s words get to you.”_ Kylo responded. You could feel him turn the pages in your mind to the conversation you had with Hux but stopped him before he went further, it all felt too invasive seeing him replay the scene in your mind.

 

You started to shut him out, the fury and hurt starting to weigh on your shoulders, _“Lasseya, don’t-_ **_Lasseya!_ ** _”_

 

You practically ran the rest of your way to your room, grabbing Millicent and stuffing your face into her fur as you let the sobs overcome you. You half expected her to try to squirm away from you but she stayed still and started to purr, trying to calm you down the best that she could.

 

You would be arriving at Starkiller the day after tomorrow, but you didn’t know if you could make it to then. Even though you had successfully shut out Kylo’s voice, you could still feel him there, you didn’t know what was happening but it was scaring you more than ever.

 

You could feel his emotions as if they were your own, but you knew they weren’t. It was as if he was constantly standing behind you, his presence never leaving you. You stood up suddenly, letting Millicent fall to the couch gently before making your way to the shower, turning the heat up all the way before stripping out of your clothes and turning the loudest music you had on full blast as you entered the shower.

 

You didn’t know how long you sat there screaming your lungs out and crying till you didn’t think you had it in you anymore. You didn’t sign up for this. The counseling yes, but the Force? That was never part of your plan, neither was befriending your patient, but apparently life had other plans for you.

 

As you exited the shower the clock on your wall read _10:31pm_ , and you noted that you should be going to sleep in an hour or so if you were going to get up early enough to deal with this mess in the morning. _So,_ you made your way towards your kitchen to make yourself a cup of chamomile tea, in the hopes of calming your now heightened nerves of not one but two people, and hoping it would put you to sleep. But as you reached the kitchen, a steaming cup was already set on your counter alongside your datapad which had a notification.

 

_10:32pm Commander Ren:_

 

**We need to talk.**

 

With shaky hands you reached for your cup and drank deeply, knowing _exactly_ how he had found out how you liked your tea. But you could feel the liquid slowly start to work it’s magic in calm you down, and you set your datapad back on the counter before slowly made your way to bed.

 

You didn’t know how but you would get through this; _you had to._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I am so sorry that I haven't updated in almost a month. As we all know life and work get in the way, but I'm back and giving you guys an update and I'll be able to write a new chapter as well so I am very excited! Thank you all for hanging in there with me and showering this story with love and support, you guys mean the world to me.
> 
> Thanks JoelMiller for being the best Beta any writer could ask for. (:
> 
> If you enjoy my content, please consider supporting me on: [Buy Me a Coffee](https://ko-fi.com/A5552GXZ)


	13. Say Yes

_Everything is so quiet.._

 

This was the very same thought that had caused you to jolt awake, rubbing your eyes from the deep sleep that plagued them. Everything felt so still, if a pin dropped you could hear it from across your apartment, and on top of that Millicent wasn’t next to you on the bed.

 

_What the-_

 

Your confused thoughts were interrupted by shuffling coming from your kitchen, and you quickly grabbed the vibrobaton that you had yet to return off of your nightstand, silently making your way across your bedroom towards the kitchen. Your arm had the vibrobaton held high above your head ready to strike the intruder you sensed.

 

At the sight of black your arm slacked, and you let out a small groan at the caped crusader who sat at your kitchen counter with Millicent. At the sight of you in your pajamas wielding your vibrobaton, Kylo couldn’t help but let out a small huff of amusement that you thought could be considered a laugh.

 

“Is this my first lesson at evil space camp?” he mocked with amusement in his eyes.

 

All you could do was glare in response, ‘ _After everything that went down yesterday he just sits there as if everything was just as it was before!’_

 

“So, I’ve been thinking.” Kylo starts after your silence and glare assured him you were still livid.

 

You huffed, throwing you vibrobaton behind you onto the bed, “That sounds dangerous, but continue.”

 

He took his eyes off of you barely trying to contain his composure, “You do know that this isn’t exactly easy for me either, right? It’s taking everything to keep it contained around you.”

 

_What?_

 

“What do you mean?” you asked tentatively, crossing your arms and slowly making your way across the kitchen.

 

“Don’t you feel it? How quiet and empty everything feels?” he replied annoyed, as if losing his patience.

 

“That was you?” your voice was barely above a whisper as you looked down at your feet.

 

“I thought this small peace offering was the only way you would allow me to talk for this long without kicking me out, so I could try to explain things to you.” Kylo responded his voice sounding strained.

 

“So, what? You just turned off the Force like it was a light switch or something?” you grumbled.

 

“No, it's not that easy. Think of it as a wall that i’ve put up temporarily on my side. It’s not as easy as you think, if you pushed it would crumble. I’m not used to having to shield it, unlike you.” he said glancing back up at you, trying to find your eyes.

 

“But I’m not trying to!” you squeaked out, your voice still hoarse from all the screaming last night, “I didn’t even know I had this in me.” you say, finally meeting his eyes.

 

“I know, you’ve spent your whole life up until now not realizing it was there so you just ignored it, but it acted on itself and your feelings and it built up strong walls around your mind.” Kylo said simply before continuing, a small smile coming to his lips, “You know as a therapist you're supposed to feel warm and open to your patients right? And perhaps everyone else is fooled but with someone strong in the force it’s not hard to spot, you allow small things over the wall, but not much.”

 

You didn’t think you could glare harder than you already were but you proved yourself wrong, “Well you seemed to get in easy enough.” you growled.

 

“That was only because you let me.” Kylo said simply, you saw what you thought was a glint of sadness before it flashed away just as quick as it came.

 

“Look…” you started, letting out a long sigh before running your hands through your hair, “this is all new to me, and if I’m being honest right now it scares the shit out of me. Not to mention this whole revelation came from Hux and that really weird dream-”

 

“What dream?” Kylo interrupted suddenly, his eyes growing stone cold.

 

“Well, it was about you and this creepy voice-” you stumbled around your words before being interrupted again.

 

“In the dream were you seeing me or was it from my point of view?” Kylo asked again, his voice icy and serious.

 

“Um, it was from your point of view, like I was _you_.” you mumbled out. Kylo had casted his gaze away from you, apparently worried about something.

 

You decided to continue, “You were talking to some creepy voice about me, about the sessions and what was happening with me.” you paused, looking at his ever worried face, “That if it continued to progress you would have to train me or…” you didn’t want to finish the word that was crawling back down your throat.

 

Kylo’s gazed snapped back to you instantly, and you saw no warmth or kindness there, “I didn't think it would come to this point but it looks like I have no choice.” Kylo had rose from his seat and was slowly making his way toward you, cornering you.

 

“So,” Kylo said, his voice void of all emotion, “What will it be?”

 

To say you were scared was an understatement—you were _terrified_ —and your shaking body was evidence of that. _He wouldn’t,_  your voice kept shouting over in your head, you didn’t want to accept it.

 

“Kylo,” your voice sounded small and weak as you stared into his eyes, but he said nothing and gave nothing away, but you had to know so you pushed. The feeling was new and unnatural but you had to try, and it seemed to be working because his face started slowly contorting as he tried to fight against you mentally.

 

“Stop!” he bellowed, but you ignored him, your eyes pleading with his to the point where he couldn't stand it and slammed them shut. You could sense the wall he was talking about start to crumble, “You need to know, that no matter what, I will do everything in my power to help you as I promised. I will not go back on my word even now.” you continued. He started shaking his head as if it would help push you back from his mind. But you could feel the wall turning to dust, pouring in the anger and fear. You searched for your answer but it seemed like everything was under conflict in his head. He didn’t want to hurt you, that was something you were sure of, but if pushed, you knew he would kill you.

 

You retreated from his mind, letting out small gasps of breath as your tried to calm your shaking nerves. Apparently the force took its toll on you. Kylo’s own breaths were ragged after trying to fight you off, but he slowly opened his eyes he seemed to be seething at your invasion.

 

“Now you know how it feels.” you said staring back at him, but not having the strength to really be angry with him in this moment.

 

Before any words left his mouth you held a hand up to interrupt him, “I’ll do it.”

 

At your words you felt Kylo freeze, his eyes going wide and anger slowly receding, “What?” was all he managed to say, his face showing confusion, not believing what he heard.

 

“I’ll let you train me, or whatever this Supreme Leader wants, as long as I can keep doing my work.” you started.

 

“If you follow this path-” Kylo started.

 

“I know what it means! It scares me to death but what choice do I have?” you replied, tears threatening to spill from your eyes, “But I’m not going to let this change who I am or what my goal is.”

 

“And what would that be?” Kylo asked, his voice turning to a whisper, he knew the answer but he needed to hear it.

 

“To help you, you are my biggest challenge yet and I’m not going to give up so easily just because I’m scared. I may not know where my life is going to go from here but I’m going to make the best out of it with the time that I have.”

 

You felt something of relief flood from Kylo, the invisible force washing over you causing you in turn to let your own shoulders sag with a sense of calm. “Thank you.” was all he whispered, you didn’t know if he had even realised that he had said it.

 

“Woah.” You said suddenly, forcing a small smile to grace your lips.

 

Kylo’s head snapped towards you before you continued, “Are you sick? Did I really just hear that come from your mouth?”

 

Kylo pushed himself away from you turning his back to you, “Don’t get used to it.” he replied, his embarrassment and annoyance mixing in the air in front of you before he quickly grabbed his helmet and shoved it back on. “I have things I need to discuss with the Supreme Leader, I will see you again once we’ve gotten back to Starkiller.” he pulled his gloves back on before turning back to you, gazing at you through his visor. “It would be wise of you to extend our morning hour to three.”

 

You let a real smile grace your lips this time, “So we actually are having evil space camp?” you said with a laugh.

 

“If by evil space camp you mean Behavioral Management and Force training, then yes.” Kylo replied shortly. You could still feel his lingering fear but your usual humor was melting it away.

 

“Till later then.” you say, before Kylo’s form disappears behind your door.

 

Just as you were about to go get changed and ready for your next appointment, your door slides open once more to spit out a rather stiffer than usual Hux.

 

Hux was about to open his mouth but at the sight of you in your pajamas his face contorts in disgust and he mutters, “Why are you still in your sleep clothes?”

 

‘Oh I’m sorry your majesty,” you say with a deep bow, not caring if you gave Hux a great view of your cleavage or not, “I didn’t know you were coming, did you expect trumpets?” you finish, your voice dripping with sarcasm as you made your way to your room to get changed.

 

You could tell Hux was seething and barely containing his false composure, “I came to apologize for yesterday. I realize now that I acted poorly in that situation when my aggressions were towards Commander Ren and his mistakes.” he said behind clenched teeth, “I shouldn’t have taken it out on you and for that I’m sorry.” the last part sounded as if he was actually melting from his words.

 

You didn’t hide the big smile on your face at the sense of victory you felt, and you exited your room looking Hux up and down before saying, “The Supreme Leader told you to say that didn’t he?” and your smile only widened at his reddening face.

 

“Look Hux,  I really don’t like you, but you have a cat, so I’m going to overlook last night and call a truce; deal?” you said, trying to convey your own sense of understanding and acceptance of his words before sticking your hand out for Hux to shake.

 

The smirk that graced his face made your own humor falter a little at the sight of it since it was a rarity, “Truce...You know Doctor,” Hux had gave your hand a firm shake before pulling you forward so he could whisper into your ear, his breath tickling your ear, “I think we are beginning to understand each other quite well.”

 

With that Hux left you dazed and confused in the doorway to your bedroom as he made his exit. Your heart was racing inside your chest, as you made your way over to your desk to prepare your notes for your next session, but you couldn’t focus as you ran your hands through your hair.

 

_What in banthas name is with these people?!_

 

The knock at your door pulled you to reality, your next patient was waiting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To those still reading, thank you so much. I know I don't have set dates and at times it's like I disappear without a trace and then, BOOM, new chapter. But I haven't really had time to touch this story with all that's going on, so I decided that you guys needed a posting. You guys are amazing, thanks dolls.
> 
> If you enjoy my content, please consider supporting me on: [Buy Me a Coffee](https://ko-fi.com/A5552GXZ)


	14. A New Beginning

The cold licked at your face and crept under your clothes, spreading across your skin like the lacy tide on a frigid winter beach. With purple lips tinged with blue and gently chattering teeth, you wrapped your thin coat around yourself tighter.

 

_ ‘Fucking Starkiller!’  _ you cursed inwardly. You had missed being on solid ground, but it didn’t help that the solid ground was a wintery tundra that you didn’t even want to think about exploring. So you shuffled your frozen feet as fast as you could to get from the cruiser to the overflowing hangar of people all desperate to escape the cold.

 

Once you had reached the sweet warmth of the hangar, you thought you would return to your apartment and catch up on some much needed sleep, but your feet froze suddenly. Sadness creeped over you as you remembered that Millicent wouldn't be there waiting for you. Hux had picked her up just before you departed back to Starkiller and boarded the shuttles.

 

Knowing very well that Phasma would be busy — and Kylo had probably more important things to do — you quickly decided that it would be best to keep yourself distracted by going shopping for grocery items to stock your apartment with. The last time you were here you were too busy getting lost and worried about making a good impression that you didn't have time to buy any luxuries for yourself. 

 

But as you started your excursion to the store, you remembered the reason why you had gotten lost in the first place. While, yes, the Finalizer was vast, it paled in comparison to the enormity of Starkiller. After getting directions from more than a few disgruntled troopers, you had finally located the small market and purchased any necessities you thought you might need before making your way to your apartment, your hand pausing before the scanner. Something felt,  _ off?  _ But thinking better of it, you let out a breath and pressed your hand to the plate. You immediately dragged yourself to the kitchen and deposited your groceries, not noticing the figure sat upon your couch as you made your way to your bedroom.

 

“Has the cold dulled your senses that much?” the robotic voice announced loudly, causing you to trip on the last step to your room.

 

Luckily, you had caught yourself on the door frame but not without loudly shouting an expletive or two. You quickly whipped your head around to glare at Kylo’s helmet. “What the  _ fuck  _ is wrong with you?!”

 

“Is that any way to address your Master?” you could tell Kylo was desperately trying to make his voice sound serious but you knew he had a smug look on his face.

 

“I’d rather go back outside and freeze my ass off then call you  _ Master _ ,” you hissed as you made your way over to stand in front of Kylo.

 

“You should learn to take orders,” Kylo said with lingering humor in his voice, but something told you that part of him was being serious.

 

“You should learn to give better ones.” you crossed your arms defensively over your chest.

 

You could feel his eyes on your face, and you felt the warmth of the humor floating between the two of you. “But really,” you paused, letting your arms swing back down to your sides, “what are you doing here? I didn't think I'd see you till tomorrow. Run out of evil schemes for the day?” you finished with a soft smile. 

 

“The Supreme Leader actually wanted me to tell you how pleased he is,” Kylo’s synthesized voice murmured, a sense of seriousness washed over you at his next words, “but no one is to know about this. Not even my Knights will be briefed on the matter.” 

 

You didn't like the sound of all this secrecy, your nerves stood on edge at the very idea, “Why?” you asked simply, not knowing if anything more in-depth would be overstepping your bounds. 

 

“The Supreme Leader thinks it wise to keep this between us and, regrettably, General Hux.” Kylo replied tiredly, as if he had argued the idea for hours in his brain. 

 

“I see…” you muttered quietly as you sank down into the couch behind you.

 

“The Supreme Leader  **_is_ ** wise, Lasseya,” you drew your gaze back up to Kylo’s visor. He usually refrained from saying your name so directly, and you assumed it was because he tried to remain emotionally detached from you, but now it was different. It seemed like he was trying to convince you to believe him. “Trust in him as I do and he will not lead you astray.” 

 

You didn't even try to hide your doubt from him. You would need a lot more convincing to ever believe you could trust such a dark force.

 

Silence surfaced between the two of you as you let this new knowledge sink in, and it was terrifying you. The reality of everything was finally sinking in as the two of you sat there. Your whole life was going to be changing more than you had planned, and the destiny you thought you were headed for changed course so dramatically that it was difficult to process. The only person you could talk to about it with was the emotionally confused being in front of you that would no doubt feel uncomfortable if you suddenly burst into tears. 

 

After all, you were supposed to be  _ his  _ therapist. 

 

Only once you had started to calm down slightly, did you noticed how dark it had gotten when the lights in your apartment suddenly turned on. “I should get going, it's late and you need to get some rest for tomorrow.” Kylo announced as he stood from the couch, making his way to your door, you could tell he sensed your emotional outburst boiling to a high.

 

You don't know what compelled you to do it but your hand shot out and grabbed Kylo by his wrist, and you immediately felt it tense under your touch. “Stay!” you all but shouted. 

 

Shocked at your own actions, you released your grip on him and cleared your throat, trying to hide your emotions as best as you could. “I'm sure you haven't eaten and if I’m being completely honest, I don't think I'm in a good position to be alone right now, so if you could humor this sad pitiful life form, I'd be grateful.” you finished with a shaky laugh.

 

You expected him to turn back around and storm out, to give you one last look of bewilderment before leaving you to your own devices, but instead he surprised you, and you saw the slight nod of his head through wide eyes. You immediately became less tense and he muttered a quiet ‘ _ alright’ _ in reply.

 

You quickly ran off to the kitchen trying to busy yourself with other thoughts and to try and hide the smile plastered to your face. Kylo was quiet as he watched you as if he knew not to disturb you—either that or he simply didn't know what to say—but either way his presence was soothing, you didn't quite know why but you didn't care at this point. 

 

Before you thought too much about it, you focused on letting your wall down if only for a second to mutter ‘ _ Thank you. _ ’ before quickly putting it back up. For a second you thought your efforts were in vain before the warm unfiltered voice of Kylo spoke up, “You're welcome.”

 

You didn't know how long you talked to Kylo over dinner, but it seemed to be your mind's way of venting your frustrations. He was patient and he let you, only speaking when you asked him a direct question and when he surprisingly commented on how good your food was.

 

By the time you two had finished your meals, and you had gone through the whole wine bottle you had bought, you could say that you were happily buzzed.

 

Even as Kylo was making his way to your door, you still managed to nag him with your strange way of thinking. “I have a question. So like, when something is suspicious we say ‘Something smells fishy’. Why do we do that? Why is fish-smell suspicious? What did the fish do?”

Kylo couldn’t help the small smile that grew on his face, but there was no way he would allow you to see it, so with a quick chuckle he turned his toothy grin into an amused smirk and said, “Go to sleep.” before putting his helmet back on and exiting your apartment, leaving you there with a confused look on your face.

 

“What did I say?” you mumbled unabashedly as you fumbled your way to your room. 

 

Tomorrow was going to be a long day.

 

* * *

  
  


“You’ve got to be kidding me, right? How the hell do you think I’m possibly capable of that?!” 

 

After your regular therapy session, Kylo had instructed you to get changed and meet him in his training room. But only after a few minutes of his so called ‘ _ training _ ’ did you realize that Kylo was greatly overestimating your abilities as he tried to instruct you how to ‘force pull’ an object to yourself.

 

“It’s quite simple if you would just listen to me and calm your mind. Imagine it floating to you in your head and focus only on that.” Kylo said simply as if it was as natural as breathing.

 

With a groan, you reached your arm out once more, closing your eyes and imagining the vibrobaton on the wall floating to your hand.

 

“Relax your face muscles, you’re forcing the thought too harshly into your mind,” Kylo said softly from your right.

 

You did as instructed and took a few deep breaths in order to calm yourself, this time leaving your eyes open and thinking of an invisible rope wrapping around the object and pulling it towards you. Just as swiftly as the thought came to you, the baton flew off the wall and landed in your outstretched palm with a  _ smack. _

 

The smile and visible excitement that grew across your face at your small victory caused you to shout at your success, Kylo’s ‘well done’ almost falling on deaf ears before you turned and beamed at him in amazement.

 

“This is amazing, and to think I thought this kind of power belonged in fairytales,” you say, staring at the baton in your hand as if it was an illusion teasing you.

 

“I think,” Kylo started, “that you will be of great assistance to me once you’re trained. A mind like yours, you could accomplish so much under the right guidance. People like you, and unlike myself, they will _ willingly  _ listen to you.”

 

“And what exactly,” you say with curiosity lacing your tongue, eyes not even bothering to hide your excitement, “is it that _ you _ think I can accomplish?”

 

Kylo smiled, you dare say fondly if you weren’t mistaken, at his new and eager apprentice. “Why don’t we find out?”

 

Kylo, over the next few hours, had you continue practicing force pulling objects till he was satisfied that you had mastered the simple task and stressed the importance of keeping yourself in shape, since the mind could only do so much by itself, and encouraged you to continue your workouts with Phasma. After noticing your mental fatigue, he let you know that the next session would deal with meditation before dismissing you.

 

The butterflies in your stomach would not settle as you walked to your apartment to change. You had even messaged Phasma on your datapad to meet you for a workout session after your last appointment for the day. 

 

When you did eventually met up with Phasma, she continually asked you if you were alright, shocked by your new enthusiasm. After you repeatedly assured her you were fine and convinced her that the workout sessions were to thank for your improved mood, she dropped the subject and your normal banter surfaced between the two of you.

 

“So you never told me, but, how exactly did you and Commander Ren become so...friendly?” Phasma inquired randomly after one of your jibes.

 

You feigned confusion as you looked at her. “What do you mean?”

 

“Well, I know he’s your patient, but it seems like it's more than that. You’ve gotten away with a lot of things that people would be killed over if they did that to Ren.” Phasma said simply.

 

“Hm, I’d like to think I gained his respect after I punched him in the face.” you shrug, thinking of the best way to avoid exactly why you had a close relationship with Phasma’s commander.

 

“You what?!” Phasma had dropped the weights she had been lifting in shock.

 

“Well, with grumpy shits like that you have to show a force of dominance right?” you say with a laugh, trying to make it seem less of a big deal than it was.

 

To your satisfaction, Phasma actually laughed with you. “Yeah I suppose, but even if I did that I would have been killed for sure, or at least severely demoted to sanitation.” she finished with a cringe, as if she could shake the disgusting thought away.

 

You merely just laughed it off with her before the two of you decided to have dinner in your apartment. You really didn’t like squeezing into the cafeteria and you’d prefer a home cooked meal any day. It even shocked you when Phasma had offered to help and she seemed to be know what she was doing. 

 

When Phasma had finally left, you couldn’t even think of the idea of falling asleep. Even with your muscles as worn down and sore as they were, you had too much residual energy. 

 

Deciding a walk wouldn't be terrible, you quickly changed out of your uniform and into something a little bit more comfortable but still up to First Order standards. You scooped up your datapad on the way out, just in case, and let your feet lead you. You didn't really care at this point where you ended up, but getting to know the base was on your mental list somewhere, so might as well work on crossing that off.

 

You had probably been wandering around for about an hour now when you saw the troopers on patrol moving around more hurriedly, their usual front facing gaze now hectic and seeming as if they were looking for something in particular. When one spotted you, they hurried over your way. “Doctor! Have you seen an orange cat anywhere by chance?”

 

Your face screwed up into visible confusion before your mouth slowly drew into an ‘o’, “You mean Millicent?”

 

“Yes, it seems the General has… Uh-lost her ma’am.” you couldn't see the troopers face but you could sense his desperation, as if his own life would be on the line if he didn’t find her.

 

“Well, I can’t say that I’ve seen her but I’ll keep an eye out alright?” you say with a reassuring smile, noting the way the trooper’s shoulders sagged. He gives you a slight nod anyway and continues on with his team.

 

You couldn’t help your own sense of worry as you continued down the steel halls, each one looking the same as the other so it wasn’t hard to get lost in your thoughts. The image of Millicent out there freezing in the cold came to mind. You didn’t doubt that she had probably never set foot outside and you hoped wherever she was that she wasn’t scared. 

 

Propelled by your thoughts, your feet seemed to hurry in their pace, and you even started to call out Millicent’s name every so often in a desperate attempt to find her before your foolish nightmares became a reality. When you were finally out of breath and feeling exhaustion start to hit you, you let out a frustrated groan, sliding down the nearest wall and resting your head against your propped up knees.

 

You knew you had to get back up at some point, but you slowly started to regret this walk as your limbs started to ache in exhaustion from the day's escapades. You even felt yourself start to nod off there in the middle of the hall, not really caring what anyone thought. Right as your vision was fading, you felt something rub against your legs before you heard a small affectionate ‘meow’ jolting you from your almost sleep.

 

When you cracked open your eyes, you practically shrieked at the fluffy orange cat in front of you, purring and rubbing against your legs as if saying she missed you. After a few affectionate scratches behind the ear, you finally picked up Millicent, cradling her into your arms. You were tempted just to take her back to your apartment and just wait till morning to get her back to Hux but ultimately decided that if you were to go along with such a poor plan that those poor troops would be forced to look for her through the night. 

 

So, with a defeated huff, you shifted Millicent to one side and turned on your datapad, swiftly pulling up the map to see just where the fuck you were. You knew deep down that your navigational skills didn't miraculously improve overnight, but you had to try. Hell, you had even thought you were doing pretty well till you realized you were going in the completely opposite direction of the Generals quarters. In annoyance, you almost threw your datapad before thinking better of it, instead coming up with a new strategy that just might work.

 

Begrudgingly, you decided to take Kylo’s advice from training earlier and let the Force ‘guide you.’ You weren't entirely sure what it meant yet, but with a huff, you closed your eyes and tried to concentrate, thinking of Hux and letting your overall emotion of hate towards the man act as a beacon. You didn’t know when your feet started moving but you followed them anyways, too caught up in your own thoughts to even notice when you had stopped in front of a door and almost ran smack into the very man you were looking for. His beet red face told you he had just finished a screaming match with someone.

 

You immediately snapped out of your trace, looking at the man in front of you with a sad smile and presenting Millicent to him. Her orange fluff hid most of his face from your view, but you did notice how she meowed affectionately at the man and ‘booped’ his nose with her paw. Carefully Hux took her from your stretched out arms and sneered at you.

 

“I suppose you’re the one to blame for her disappearance?” his judging eyes looking you up and down.

 

“As much as I would love to take credit for sneaking into your apartment undetected and stealing that precious baby, I’ll have to disappoint you General. I was taking a walk when some rather frighten troopers scurried by and asked if I had seen her. In my own concern I went to look for her and well...tah-dah!” you say motioning your hands toward Millicent, a victorious smile plastered on your face.

 

Hux’s scrutinizing gaze seemed to relax a little at your words, looking down at Millicent as if to ask if you were telling the truth before coming to a decision in his mind. “Then my thanks are in order.” Hux said with a light nod of his head before pivoting on foot to stroll back into his apartment, closing the door on your face not more than a second later.

 

“You’re welcome.” you mutter under your breath, adding in some colorful curses, as you grumble your way down the hall. You didn’t even want to question how you had found your way back home, but when you arrived you walked straight towards your bed, stripping down the whole way till you fell on the covers, dragging over the sleep clothes you had laid out earlier and barely managing to shrug them on before unconsciousness took you.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn guys, it's been like what...eight months?! I've honestly been sitting on this chapter because I wasn't quite happy with it but now that I almost completely re-written it I think it turned out pretty well. But on a serious note I've been going through a rough patch in my life and the writing just wasn't coming to me, depression clings to so many people and sometimes it can drag us down to an all time low. But I'm back hopefully! I also hope that there are still some people out there who want to read this garbage... Anyway I hope you all like it and leave some feedback, thank you for all the support I have gotten so far in the comments and wherever you may be I hope you have an awesome day! (:
> 
> If you enjoy my content, please consider supporting me on:[Buy Me a Coffee](https://ko-fi.com/A5552GXZ)


	15. Awkward Encounters

“Quiet your mind.” Kylo’s unfiltered voice whispered. The pair of you were sitting in front of the vast window that made up one of the outer walls in your apartment.

 

Your session with Kylo had started awkwardly when he had to barge into your apartment to wake you up. Apparently, you had slept through your alarms in your exhausted state. Surprisingly, once he figured out what had happened, he wasn’t really even mad at you, but at Hux. Lucky for you, that spurred him into a rant about the ginger haired man himself, giving you a great look into their relationship, which you noted down on your datapad to address later before he had announced the session was over and had instructed you to sit somewhere that helped you relax. Hence the window with the snowy landscape.

 

It was hard trying not to think of anything at first. You always had an active imagination and it was always hard to turn off your thoughts since that's pretty much what you did for a living. But after sometime, you tried something different. You focused on your breathing, the slow inhale and exhale following it through your body and back out. You also thought about your skin, the cold air circling around you, but wait— _ cold air? _

 

“That’s it, do you feel it? That’s the Force. Focus on that feeling and let it guide you.” Kylo whispered, his voice sounded so close.

 

“Where?” you whisper back, but your lips weren’t moving.

 

“Everywhere.” Kylo’s voice said simply, and you it was then that you realized that his voice was in your mind.

 

You sensed life amongst the base, death to those unfortunate in the sick bay, growth and decay from the frozen planet —and something else. A hatred, a darkness swirling around the man in front of you, but also a light. It was as if two flames were colliding, sending sparks that burned the very man that they consumed like a sickness, and while this feeling was new to you, you had sensed it in other people as well. At the time, you might not have known what it meant, but now it was so clear. You wanted to delve deeper to get the answers, but something was resisting you.

 

You pushed back, delving into the flames, and saw a figure that was strangely familiar. The dark hair and pale freckled skin was enough to tell you exactly who it was. Kylo was struggling, holding the flames at bay with a barrier around his body. You called out for him, but he didn't hear you, his eyes shut from concentration and the pain that was engulfing him. You pushed farther in, desperate to pull him out, shouting his name as you went. Only once you were close enough and touching the barrier did he hear you, his panicked eyes latching onto yours. He looked so young, so lost and confused that your heart ached, and you reached out, pushing through the barrier. He looked at your hand as if he didn't think it was real, as if it was some kind of trick his mind had made up, but slowly he started reaching towards you. His fingertips were only a fraction of the way, and you were so close, but then it was as if you were being ejected and pulled away by some unknown force.

 

_ “He’s mine.”   _ the voice whispered. You had heard this voice once in your dreams, the very thought of it chilling you to the bone as if all the happiness and light had been drained from the world.

 

_ Snoke. _

 

And like that you were thrust back into your body, the force of it knocking you back against the floor. You felt a pair of hands latch onto your shoulders and gently help you sit up. Kylo was calling your name, over and over again like a mantra, causing you to open your eyes slowly to look at him. A thin sheen of sweat ghosted over your skin and you were shaking. “Kylo?” you murmur.

 

“I’m here.” his quiet and calm voice mutters back, eyes finding yours as he pushes some of the loose strands of hair from your face.

 

“What was that?” you question, voice wavering as tears threatened to pour down your cheeks.

 

Kylo looked away from you for a moment, his brow furrowing in confusion as he shook his head from side to side. “I don’t know.”

 

Slowly, Kylo let go of your arms once you had grown steady, looking at you as if you were an anomaly to him before you spoke. “You were burning, I tried to help you but-” you pause, shivering at your own words as you recalled what you saw.

 

“You delved deeper than I thought you would. I didn’t think your skills would progress this fast.” Kylo says, ignoring your words.

 

You looked up at him quizzically, before ignoring his attempt at changing the subject. “How can you live through such pain?”

 

His brown eyes locked onto yours, and you saw that same pain reflected in them. “When you’re alone, you learn to live with the pain. You can’t rely on anyone to help you.”

 

In a bold move, you reached over and placed your hand lightly on top of his gloved one. “You’re not alone anymore, remember? I’m here to help you in whatever way I can.” 

 

Instead of recoiling like you expected, he stared at your hands as if he again was conflicted before his eyes met yours, confusion written plainly in them as if he wanted so desperately to believe your words but couldn't bring himself to fall prey to false hope. “Why?”

 

The simple question made you freeze. Why  _ did  _ you want to help him? Was it because you sensed a greatness in him, or was it the fact that you sensed a lost and lonely soul like your own and latched on to it in a desperate attempt to alleviate more despair from the galaxy? It was a coincidence that the very soul in question was Kylo Ren, Commander of the Knights of Ren himself, but that didn't matter to you. “Do I really need to answer that?” you say looking back into his eyes, knowing very well that he must have sensed your answer or even heard it in your mind.

 

When Kylo just continued to stare into your eyes, you moved your hand to hover near his face. “I know you can feel it,” you say, closing your eyes and feeling the Force that lived inside you and Kylo intertwining, still strange and new but somehow natural. How had you never noticed it before?

 

“I do.” Kylo starts, his voice causing your eyes to snap open and you to withdraw your hand, “But passion in the form of anger has always come easy to me, as if I was born with it stained on my soul, but this,” Kylo’s Force starts to swirl around you more strongly, “this is new to me.”

 

You cock your head to the side at his choice of words, watching him as he stands and offered a hand to you to help you up. “And by passion you mean...?” just as you say these words, he hoists you up, the force in which he does it causing you to collide into his chest, noses almost touching. 

 

Kylo gazes into your eyes, and something else swirls in his dark irises as he looks at you. His face lowers to yours before turning to whisper in your ear, the feeling of his breath at your neck causing you to shiver slightly and close your eyes at the feeling. “I know you feel it, too.” Kylo repeats your words, the smirk on his lips just brushing against your ear.

 

There’s a loud knock at your door then, one that snaps you out of it, before the sound of your door being overridden and the sound of boots causes the two of you to split apart like you’d been shocked. 

 

The sight of orange hair causes your shoulders to sag. “Ren, we’ve just been notified by Protectorate Gleb that a Del Meeko has been detained on Pillio.” Hux’s voice cuts through the air, not caring that you hear any of the information being shared between the two.

 

In a matter of seconds, Kylo is back to business, his helmet flying across the room to latch back onto his head before he speaks, “Have my ship prepared and direct the Finalizer to my location after I’ve left,” Kylo says quickly, strutting out of the room, not bothering to make sure that Hux agrees to his request.

 

As the door closes behind Kylo, Hux patches into the comms system in your room, notifying the bridge to prepare the Commanders ship and to start preparing transport for officers to return to the Finalizer. As Hux finishes, he turns to you with his hands clasped behind his back. “I suggest you get your things in order, Doctor.” he says before making his way to the door leaving you more confused than ever.

 

A lot had just happened in the last few minutes and it was safe to say that you were hopelessly confused. Not only was the line between your personal and professional relationship with Kylo Ren becoming blurred, but you were headed to Pillio.  _ And who the hell was Del Meeko, anyway? _

 

You didn't think about it for too long before you snatched up your datapad, sending a notification to your appointments on the cancellation due to the Finalizer departing from Starkiller, making sure they all got rescheduled appointments with the other psychologists on base before making your way out of your apartment. You had everything you needed at both of your apartments, so you saw no reason in grabbing anything other that your datapad and a thicker jacket before making your way to the main hangar bay, only to see Hux standing next to a transport, ordering around various officers with a small crate sitting next to him and a familiar orange paw poking outside of one of the holes to latch onto the mans pants a few times.

 

As you approached Hux, you crouched down to put a finger into the box laughing when you heard Millicents meow and her paw batting at your finger playfully, drawing the attention of the man himself. “Are you ready, Doctor?” Hux merely said before you nodded a ‘yes’ to his question. He reached down and grabbed the handle, hoisting up the box as Millicent growled at the sudden movement. Both you and Hux boarded and took the last two seats next to each other as the transport started departing the base, a small smile growing on your face when Hux tried to sneakily put a finger into the box to try and comfort Millicent, only for him to notice your stare and flush in embarrassment before he cleared his throat. “It’s come to my attention that I will be quiet busy on this little goose chase of ours, so if it would not inconvenience you, I would appreciate it if you could lend your assistance in caring for Millicent while I’m busy.” The man said quickly, refusing to meet your eyes.

 

Instead of being annoyed with his lack of eye contact, you merely leaned across him to play with Millicent through the box some more, making Hux shift uncomfortably in his seat before you answered. “Sure, what do you need me to do? Keep her in my apartment again or...?”

 

“No. Just to come visit her and make sure she is fed and happy a few times during the day. You will have access to my personal quarters of course, but I trust you'll keep your hands to yourself and only do as you are asked.” Hux said as if he was briefing you on a very important mission.

 

You merely shrugged your shoulders in response and answered with an indifferent ‘sure thing’ before continuing to play with Millicent. Eyes were on you as you were leaned over the General playing with his cat, just waiting for Hux to explode. But when he didn’t, the people staring were more baffled.

 

“What are you all leering at? Don’t you have something better to do or do I need to eject some of you out of this transport?” Hux hissed at the staring faces, causing you to bite your tongue to hide your laughter.

 

You looked up at the man with a humorous smile on your face. “Sorry to inconvenience you, Hux, I just haven’t properly been able to play with her in awhile and I guess I missed her, even though it’s only been a few days.”

 

Hux’s blue eyes met yours before shying away again. “It’s perfectly understandable, Doctor.” Hux says as if it's common knowledge.

 

All you do is smile at his words before leaning back in your seat. “So, if you don’t mind me asking, what is so important about this Del Meeko?” 

 

Hux finally turns to look at you at your words, mulling over the thought on whether or not to tell you before he answers. “Apparently, he has information on the whereabouts of the map to Luke Skywalker.” 

 

Luke Skywalker? So that's why Kylo left in such a hurry, you didn’t know the details as to why Kylo wanted him dead so badly, but you hoped he would tell you with time. You muttered a small ‘oh’ before dropping the subject once you had reached the Finalizer.

 

It was as if Phasma had knew you needed a distraction as your datapad pinged with a notification from the woman, asking if you would be up for an early work out session as the Finalizer made its way to Pillio. You quickly typed out a ‘yes’ to her invitation before you swiftly made your way to your apartment to change into your workout shorts and tank top. Once you were changed, you made your way to the workout room only to stop once you felt Kylo’s presence, as if he was just in front of you but you couldn’t see him. 

 

You stopped in your tracks, looking around and rubbing your eyes a few times thinking you were going crazy, but then you saw him. He wasn’t on the Finalizer, but rather on a rocky planet, just exiting his shuttle with a few troopers with him. He paused, looking up at you through the mask, but this didn’t make sense. You looked around you wildly, knowing you were still on the Finalizer but when you looked back toward him it was as if you were somewhere else.

 

“Kylo?” you say, not hiding the obvious confusion in your voice.

 

But before he could answer, his image vanished, leaving a very confused Phasma staring at you with a questioning look. “What are you doing?” she asks, looking at you as if you had grown a second head.

 

“What do you mean?” you ask in a dumb panic, moving around her to enter the training room.

 

Phasma merely followed you, not accepting your poor answer. “You called out the Commander's name. I was standing in front of you, but it was as if you saw right through me.” 

 

But you being the stubborn ass you were had the audacity to look her straight in the eyes with your own confused expression painted on your face, “Are you sure you’re alright, Phasma? Maybe the years of taking blaster fire to the helmet has given you one too many concussions. Do I need to evaluate you?” you say with a smirk on your face, going to wrap your hands before starting off with the punching bag.

 

Phasma’s glare would of cut through you if it could, but slowly a smile started to pull at the corners of her mouth as she made her way over to brace the other side of the punching bag for you. “I hope you know that no one likes your jokes.”

 

“What are you talking about? The old lady at the store on Starkiller said I was funny!” you respond with a small pout on your lips before throwing your first punch. The force of it was more powerful than you intended, causing Phasma to lose her footing and be thrown to the ground.

 

The look on her face would of been priceless if she actually knew about your training you just started with Kylo, but all of it was to be kept secret. It was getting increasingly harder to hide it and it was only your second day of training, but it was as if a flood-gate of new possibilities had opened and you didn’t know how to control it.

 

Phasma to your surprise was quiet, taking the hand you offered her up before bracing the bag again. Her face was contorted in deep thought as you began again; this time you were sure to be mindful of the Force and try to just use your own strength. It was becoming increasingly harder  as you went, and you could feel Kylo’s power and anger coursing through you as you continued your exercises, the link never leaving you even though he was on Pillio and you were on the Finalizer.

 

It went on like this throughout your exercise. His presence felt so close even though he was so far away. 

 

It wasn’t long till the Finalizer had reached Pillio, a notification telling Phasma that Kylo Ren would be boarding soon and to go to the debriefing shortly after. Phasma had practically sprinted out of the room with a small apology and promise of dinner later as the two of you were packing up. But what was still running through your mind were Kylo’s emotions, anger of course being the most prominent, but also confusion. It  _ could  _ have been your own confusion you were sensing, but you couldn’t distinguish the two anymore, it seemed.

 

You didn’t want to dwell on it in hopes that, in time, it would pass, so you decided to distract yourself by checking in on Millicent, knowing that Hux would be at the debriefing and wanting to make sure she had settled in and had enough food. Luckily the higher ups like Hux, Phasma, and Kylo had their own more secluded personal quarters so you didn’t bother with changing out of your workout clothes and made your way directly to Hux’s room, letting the Force help guide you in finding Millicent like last time. When you had reached the door, you had hoped that Hux had already had a technician put in your fingerprints so that you could access his room, and you were pleasantly surprised to find that it was already done when the door slid open. 

 

_ Holy shit. _

 

If you thought your place was nice, you were sadly mistaken as you took in Hux’s room. He obviously liked to live in luxury considering you thought his couch costed more than your education, and you were marveling at the grandeur of it all before a small mew startled you and you felt Millicents fur brush up against your leg.

 

“I’m sorry sweetie, I didn’t see you there.” you mutter before picking her up and giving her scratches behind her ear, her purrs letting you know that she was pleased with you. 

 

“If you live like this, you must think my place is a dump.” you mumble to the cat, knowing very well she wouldn’t answer but you felt a sense of happiness coming from her nonetheless.

 

You quickly put her down before exploring Hux’s apartment, careful not to touch anything as he instructed, but familiarizing yourself with the layout so you could avoid anywhere that wasn’t important in case you would need to find her later. It seemed your intuition was right when you found Millicent’s food bowl empty, and she practically followed you like your own personal shadow when you went back to the kitchen and pulled out her bag of food, her small meows letting you know it was exactly what she wanted. With a small laugh, you went and filled her bowl, checking her cat box as well before deciding it didn’t need cleaned. 

 

Before you were about to leave, she had pulled out one of her little toys, bringing it to your feet, looking at you with big eyes that you couldn’t resist. Picking up the stringed toy, you noticed a small stuffed tie-fighter at the end of it. The fact that Hux probably had this specially made for her made you snort, but she seemed to love it at least. As the two of you were playing, you didn’t notice the sound of Hux’s door opening. At-least not until you heard the ginger man clear his throat and look at you questioningly before he took in your appearance.

 

“A little informal, aren’t we?” he sneered as he scrunched up his nose, but you notice he had a pale dusting of pink spread across his cheeks as he quickly looked away.

 

“Yeah, sorry. I didn’t think I would be here that long but I thought I’d check up on her, and it’s a good thing I did because she was out of food.” you say simply before scratching Millicent’s head, picking up her toy and putting it back from where she had dragged it out.

 

“Oh, well, thank you, Doctor.” Hux said, shifting from foot to foot awkwardly as if he didn’t know what to do with himself.

 

You quickly gave him a warm smile before excusing yourself, sensing his nervousness, but as you left you could feel his eyes follow you till you exited his apartment. You sensed something else too but decided to shake it from your mind. The only thing you wanted to think about right now—besides trying to block out the still ever present emotions of Kylo—was a nice warm shower. As you entered your apartment, you pulled out some new clothes before setting them on your counter in the bathroom, turning the shower to your prefered temperature before stripping off your tank top. 

 

But before you could get any further, you felt that same feeling again that you had when you were making your way to the workout room to meet Phasma. You looked around, and even poked your head out of your bathroom, but you didn’t see the caped crusader anywhere. You had almost shrugged it off, but just as you turned back to the shower, you saw him. His back was facing you, but he was in his own refresher, clad in a tight sleeveless shirt as if he had taken most of his outer tunic set off. He was about to lift that last piece of clothing off of his torso but stopped, his whole figure going rigid before he turned to you, his brow was furrowed in confusion at first when he met your eyes.

 

And then they drifted down.

 

And then back up.

 

And you saw a blush growing at his cheeks.

 

What was he-

 

_ Oh _ . 

 

What you were wearing suddenly dawned on you as you looked down at yourself, only in your tight workout shorts and sports bra, and you quickly reached over and threw on your tank top, your own blush crawling across your skin. He was still looking at you, not even bothering to look away as he took in your appearance. You quickly cleared your throat before asking what it was that was bugging you. “Kylo, what the shit is going on? The first time I thought I was imagining things, but I know this time I’m not. Either that or I am in fact going mad.”

 

Kylo smirked at your words. “No, you most definitely are not going crazy. I’m not sure why, but the Force is connecting us.”

 

You thought about it for a moment, but it was all still so strange. “But it’s not just visual, is it? I don’t know about you but I feel your emotions like they are my own at times. It’s like your presence never left since our last training session,” you say, crossing your arms over your chest.

 

“I thought my mind was still lingering on you, but I guess that's not the case. It’s the same for me.” Kylo says simply, his face drawn together in contemplation.

 

You shifted nervously on foot before looking back to him. “Well, not that it isn’t nice to see you, but I have a feeling if we don’t figure this out we might find each other in more compromising situations next time.” 

 

Kylo glanced away at you that time, rubbing the back of his neck nervously at your words. “I’ll speak with the Supreme Leader about this when I report in to him about my mission.”

 

“Good, cause I’d like to shower in peace without having anxiety creeping at my back with the fact that this could happen at any moment.” you say with an awkward laugh, trying to diffuse the situation.

 

Like last time, Kylo was going to answer back, a mischievous smirk growing on his face, before his image suddenly disappeared.

 

“Well, that wasn’t awkward.” you say out loud, waiting for a minute before thinking it was safe and stripping down the rest of the way, showering in a record speed and dressing. 

 

You could feel your own embarrassment, but to your irritation, you also felt Kylo’s humor swirling within you, as if he thought the situation was funny instead of mortifying. You quickly muttered an ‘ _ asshole _ ’ through the Force to him before you suddenly felt his humor disappear, replaced with something you could only imagine was vulnerability. Now it was your turn to laugh as he got a taste of his own medicine.

 

You had hoped that by tomorrow you would have your answers to what exactly was going on between you and Kylo’s sudden connection, but nothing ever went simply when it came to Kylo Ren, or apparently the Force. You could only hope that it would be resolved and you could move on with your training and therapy sessions without it affecting either of you in anyway, but when has your life ever gone the way you thought it would?

 

The fun was only beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally another update! I still don't think I have fully recovered after watching The Last Jedi when it came out but since that wonderful day it's been stuck in my mind ever since, giving me a new perspective on characters and their reactions. But moving on, the holidays were hectic of course so I didn't get to post this when I wanted but here it is! I've also been trying to figure out what I want to do with my life because hell knows life wants to punch me in the face and remind me just how mediocre it is. Streaming or making a YouTube channel has always been appealing to me but I have zero self confidence so there's that, anyway you didn't come here to read my life story so I hope you at least enjoyed this one so far! Thanks for reading and don't forget to let me know your thoughts. (:
> 
> If you enjoy this trash of a fan-fiction please conciser supporting me on my Ko-Fi! I always feel like I'm groveling when I put this at the end of my chapters but honestly it goes a long way especially when the unexpected pops up in your life. [Buy Me a Coffee](https://ko-fi.com/A5552GXZ)
> 
> You can also follow me on social media if you desire at my Twitter if you want to chat or ask me any questions you have or if you even want to request a fic of your own. [@NyveraWrites](https://twitter.com/NyveraWrites)


	16. Eyes of Fire

“Stop yawning, you’re making me tired.” Kylo groans out.

 

“I’m making you tired?! It’s three in the morning, if you’re not tired there's something wrong with you.” you spit back at the man.

 

Both you and Kylo Ren were sat on the floor of your apartment on the Finalizer; the helmeted fuck had let himself in about an hour ago and dragged you over to sit cross legged on the floor without a word, not even bothering to answer your questions. Anytime you tried to open your mouth he would  _ shush _ you, even going as far as blocking you a few times mentally when you tired to push, and it apparently took a lot of effort because his face would scrunch up in discomfort. 

 

As you fidgeted even more, Kylo let out a long exhale of frustration,  “Can you stop breathing for a while?”

 

You glared at his shut eyes, knowing he could sense you staring at him, “Sure, I’ll just drop dead for a moment just for your benefit.” you said through clenched teeth.

 

Both of your emotions were peaking at an all time high of annoyance, not to mention you had no idea what it was that he was doing in the first place. So—with a burst of courage—you stood up and started making your way to the kitchen. 

 

“What are you doing?” you could sense the anger in Kylo’s voice and turned to see his cold eyes, daring you to move further.

 

“Kylo, I’m fucking hungry, and if you won’t let me sleep I’m getting something to eat at least.” you say as you continue walking toward your cabinets. Before you could move any further, your body froze in place.

 

_ No he fucking didn’t. _

 

“When are you not hungry? Just sit and stay still, then you can eat.” Kylo’s irritation was fighting yours, the tension reminding you of two hissing cats fighting for dominance.

 

You weren’t about to give up though and started pushing against him, desperately trying to move forward, but he kept pulling you back. The scene to anyone else would appear very comical, as they would see your feet screeching across the floor as you were dragged back, only for you to push forward again.

 

“Stop resisting me!” Kylo bellowed, his face was red from the strain you were both causing each other.

 

“Not until you tell me what is going on!” you shout back over your shoulder, your fingertips almost to a cabinet that held some protein bars.

 

The, all at once, you where throw forward by your own momentum. You stumbled forward into your counter and whipped your head around to the man, giving him the best glare you could muster. Kylo simply shrugged his shoulders at you and crossed his arms over his chest, his face wiped of any emotion but you could sense his victorious humor at the incident.

 

“You ass.” you mumble under your breath as you rub the area where your hip collided with the counter, using your other hand to open the cabinet and grab the protein bar. You grabbed another and chucked it at Kylo with the Force, enjoying the small thud it made against his chest before he put out his hand under it. As you tore into it you were surprised he did the same as well, but you could only imagine how much energy he was wasting simply fighting you and searching for stars knows what with the Force.

 

“So, are we just gonna eat here in awkward silence or are you gonna tell me what all this was about?” you say around a piece you were chewing.

 

Kylo’s shoulders sagged as he went and threw away the wrapper, letting out a deep sigh as he ran a hand down his face and went to lean against the counter next to you. You let him collect his thoughts as you finished your bar, going around him to throw away your own wrapper before returning back to your spot.

 

“When I went to report to the Supreme Leader, he shed some light on our situation and what it means.” he said calmly, his body leaning more into the counter for support.

 

At his words your eyes lit up, “What did he say?” you turned towards the man expectantly.

 

Kylo’s brown eyes met yours, staring at you as if he didn’t know if he should tell you or not, “Apparently, what we are sensing is a Force bond. They can develop between a master and his apprentice or-” Kylo quickly stopped himself, turning his gaze from you to look at the floor.

 

You moved to try to met his eyes again, “Or?”

 

You could sense Kylo’s discomfort at your prodding, “Look, the point is is that I was trying to see if there was a way to disentangle the connection but it doesn’t seem that I can.”   
  


You gaped at him at his words, “Wait, so you mean this is permanent?” your voice cracked.

 

His eyes looked back into yours, “I’m afraid so, unless one of us were to die I’m guessing.”

 

As much as your brain was racing over this new information you let a small smirk come to your lips, “Is that you volunteering?”

 

Kylo scoffed at your words, but you didn't miss the subtle lifting of the corners of his mouth, “It’s not going to be that easy to get rid of me.”

 

You let out a laugh at that, “Well damn I thought we had this all figured out, so what do we do then?”

 

You were successful at making the situation less tense but you knew that what he said next would just aggravate it again, “We have to deal with it for now, I suggest we add this into our training every chance we get so we can learn how to control it.”

 

You nodded your head in agreement at his words, “Alright, well if neither of us are getting any sleep soon I’m going to get dressed and make a real breakfast. Make yourself at home till our session starts.”

 

* * *

 

Your session had gone as expected after learning the information you and Kylo had just found out, but you couldn’t help but think it was your fault somehow. That if you hadn’t pushed too hard into his own mind this might not have happened, but as the two of you started on Force training, something felt off to you. It was if Kylo was hiding something at times, even when you would accidentally bump into him he distanced himself from you.

 

“Seriously though, I need to get fucked by something other than my life.” you say to Phasma, both of you doing your stretches before your workout.

 

“What’s with the dramatics today? Your sessions not go over well I take it?” Phasma said with a small smile on her face.

 

“No my sessions were fine, I’m actually seeing some mental improvement from your troops but—well if I could tell you it wouldn’t matter anyways.” you groan in defeat as you make your way over to Phasma, practicing combatives today.

 

“So it’s a matter to do with the Commander I take it?” Phasma said simply, getting in her prefered stance before you did the same.

 

You simply nodded your head to her question—the two of you growing serious—even though you trusted Phasma, her loyalty was to the First Order. No matter how much you wanted this friendship to blossom even more, you knew there would always be a wall between the two of you, especially when it came to classified information like Kylo Ren.

 

The both of you simply let your bodies take over, throwing a punch or kick here and there while the other dodged. The few hits that did land never registered in your mind, you were so lost in thought that when the image of Phasma disappeared and Kylo’s hulking and helmeted mass formed, all you could do was stare at him as he stopped in the middle of some hallway on the Finalizer. You let a sad smirk come to your face at the sight of him, you were sure he could feel your sadness as he took a small step forward, his hand slightly raising to reach out to you.

 

Then it hit you, something hard collided with your face and your were thrown to the ground, “FUCK!” you screamed, quickly putting a hand to your nose as it throbbed in pain.

 

“Oh shit, are you alright? Were you spaced out again?” Phasma said quickly, kneeling beside you and lifting your face to look at you nose.

 

As she pressed around the tender skin, you let out a hiss from the pain, “You're lucky, it’s not broken. There will be some bruising, but it is going to hurt for awhile as well.” Phasma said.

 

You wanted to pop off with something sarcastic, but you couldn't think of anything clever before she took your hand and hoisted you up. You muttered a quick ‘thanks’ and grabbed your water bottle, taking a quick drink before you felt Kylo’s panic in your chest.

 

_ ‘Are you alright?’ _ Kylo’s voice sounded in your head.

 

You didn’t bother hiding the annoyance you were feeling,  _ ‘I’m fine.’  _ you respond back before trying to shake him to the back of your mind.

 

“Hey, I’m going to go check on Millicent, so you mind if I call it early?” you say to Phasma,grabbing your bag and slinging it across your shoulder.

 

“You’re checking in on the General’s cat too?” Phasma was desperately trying to hold back her laughter and you could see it in her face.

 

“Don’t even start,” you say throwing a smile at her over your shoulder, “see you tomorrow!”

 

As you made your way down the cold metal halls, you could still feel Kylo trying to worm his way around. As if he was trying to get a sense of your irritation and if you were actually okay. You kept your mind blank as you walked to Hux’s apartment, only letting out an exhale of relief as you pressed your hand to the scanner of his door and the mew of Millicent could be heard.

 

When she ran up to you, you quickly scooped her up into your arms and laughed as you tickled her belly and she nibbled on your hand, “I’ve missed you, you’re the only one I can really talk to on this blasted ship.” you cooed at her, earning rumbling purrs of affection from her.

 

“You know, only imbeciles talk to themselves.” Hux’s voice rang out from the couch he was sitting on, a datapad was clutched in his hand and a drink in the other, his cold icy eyes running over your body once before returning back to his datapad. You didn’t miss the scrunch of his nose at your workout clothes, his face was a little red but you assumed it was from the drink in his hand.

 

“Well, you learn something new everyday, and don’t act like you don’t talk to her too.” you mutter back before setting your bag down in the hallway, and then moving into the kitchen to check Millicent’s bowl.

 

Hux merely scoffed at the idea, but you knew he would never outright admit that you weren’t wrong. When you reached the second bathroom that was dedicated to Millicent, you tried to open it, but it didn’t seem to budge, “Hey Hux, Millicent’s refresher is locked!”

 

“What do you mean it’s locked?” you heard Hux’s annoyed voice ring back.

 

“What do you think I mean? When I say it’s locked, it’s locked! How many definitions of ‘locked’ are there?” you shout back, humor lacing your voice.

 

As Hux approached you couldn't help the smile spreading across your face at his irritation, causing him to sneer at you across his nose as he unlocked the room for you, “Can you quit being sarcastic, it’s the lowest form of wit.”

 

“The only people who say that are the ones that aren’t funny.” you say matter of factly as you enter the room, checking her box before deciding Hux must have cleaned it earlier, that or a droid.

 

Hux was still simply staring at you but not in irritation, there was something else in his cold eyes but you couldn’t quite pinpoint it. But something started to surface in you, something almost like anger, you quickly made your way around Hux and into the living room/kitchen area. You could sense Kylo’s presence heavier now as if something happened that he didn’t like.

 

Before you could reach your bag though, Millicent was sitting in front of the hallway to the exit by your bag, her toy in her mouth staring at you with expectant eyes.  _ How could you say no to that face?  _ With a sigh of defeat you sat down on the ground next to her and tugged the toy from her mouth, “Only for a little bit okay? I still have to make dinner and get a shower, I’m pretty sure your dad also thinks I smell and its making him moody.” you say to Millicent, laughing when you look up to see Hux staring at you, the irritation of your words coming back to his face.

 

It wasn’t long into playing when Millicent started getting hyper from the action. You were dangling the toy a little too close to your face before you moved it, but by then it was already too late, and she had pounced for the toy. As her paws touched your nose you let out a yelp of pain and shot up from the floor, holding your nose in your hands, “Shit!” you mumble into your hands.

 

At your shout and curse Hux hand sprang up from the couch, coming to stand in front of you with a curious look on his face, “Did she hurt you?” he asked simply.

 

When you looked up to meet his eyes, you didn’t realize just how close he was standing in front of you, “Nah, I’m fine, Phasma landed a good punch during our workout is all. It's still pretty tender.” you say with a small laugh, bringing your gaze back to the ground.

 

As you slowly moved your hands away to lightly prod at, you were surprised when you felt cool hands move against your skin to bring your hands away. When your eyes moved back to meet Hux’s, his gaze was still drawn to your eyes, before slowly moving to your nose. His free hand came up to tilt your head higher and side to side so he could get a better look at it, causing some loose hair to fall into your face.

 

His other hand gently came up to touch your nose as Phasma’s did, the action causing you to jump slightly as his cold skin came in contact with it, “Well, it’s not broken.” he said simply, as if he was really only confirming it for himself.

 

“Yeah, Phasma said it should be fine in a few days.” you mutter, looking everywhere but into his eyes.

 

But that plan was ruined when you felt Hux’s fingers glide across your cheek, moving the hair that had fallen onto your face and placing it behind your ear, his touch still lingering as you stared back at him. His lips started to part as if he was going to say something but before you could move away the door to his apartment  _ whooshed  _ open.

 

In the doorway stood a seething Kylo Ren, to Hux he probably seemed unaffected but you could feel the burning anger coming from Kylo, his searing gaze locking onto where Hux held your face, “Am I interrupting something General?” Kylo said behind gritted teeth, breaking the illusion of disinterest he had created for Hux, a sneer forming across the redheads face.

 

You quickly stepped away from the man and grabbed your bag, “Not at all Commander, I was just checking in on Millicent as required, you two can discuss what you came here for.” you say quickly, going to move past Kylo but sensing a suffocation feeling of hatred coming from the man.

 

But as you passed him and walked down the hall, he followed you. You tried your best to ignore him as he was right on your heels, you had even tried to shut the door on him but he held it open with the force. He strode in quickly before letting the door close behind him, finally letting his anger show in his form as he took off his helmet and slammed it down on your island countertop in the kitchen.

 

“You don’t have to be here. I didn’t ask you to be.” you say as you put your bag down in the bedroom, not bothering to look at him knowing you would see the fire you were so scared of staring back at you.

 

You felt some of his anger recede at that, your fear washing over him and making him flinch, “Yeah well you need someone with a straight head on right now. And as your Master, I’m sure as hell not gonna leave you in  _ this  _ state.”

 

You scoffed at his words, knowing very well he wasn’t here to support you, and his next words only confirmed that, “What were you doing in Hux’s apartment.”

 

You turned at that, looking at him with your own fire in your eyes, “Like I told you, I was there checking in on Millicent like he asked me to do while were on the Finalizer.”

 

You could feel Kylo’s bubbling anger returning, “Don’t lie to me!” he shouted at you, you could feel the pressure building in your head as he searched your memories. You let him knowing that resisting would only make it hurt, watching his pupils contract with venom.

 

“That snake.” Kylo spat, you could see him replaying the times Hux was looking at you, over and over as if he was seeing something you didn't. His gaze melting into you, reminding you of the fire you saw him surrounded by.

 

Your voice quivered at this, you had to bite your lip to make it stop, “Kylo, stop. You’re seeing nothing, the man hates me! He only tolerates me.” 

 

“No, he wants you.” Kylo’s hands shot up to your shoulders, squeezing them with a slight shake.

 

You could feel his hurt and pain, but what was he so worked up about? He quickly let you go and started pacing around your apartment, running a shaky hand through his hair. You merely gaped at him as your ran his words through your head, Hux likes  _ me? _ Was that what you were sensing about the man? No, Kylo was just messing with you and this was all just some twisted joke.

 

“That’s not funny, Kylo. Even if it was true, I feel nothing for him. Your reaction didn't exactly help the situation either.” you say quietly, your nose throbbing even more as you tried to take a deep breath.

 

Kylo’s gaze turned back to you, the fire still there but only a low glow now,“I only did what I thought was right-”

 

_ “For yourself.  _ Don’t act like it isn’t true, because if there’s one thing I hate more than a self centered jackass it’s a pesky little liar who’s too cowardly to realise just the full extent of what he’s done.” you cut him off, your gaze was tired and defeated, “You know, with those eyes, you could have set Hux on fire. But you choose to burn me instead.” you choke out a dark laugh, looking away from Kylo as he flinches from your words as if you struck him.

 

When he didn't answer, you started making your way towards your refrigerator, opening the freezer to grab an ice cube and place it on your nose. You winced at the pain, only to drop the icecube all together when Kylo sprints toward you and rips your hand away from your face, you could feel the heat of his skin seeping through his gloved hand.

 

“You’re bleeding! You said you weren’t hurt!” Kylo’s panicked voice caused you to look into his eyes, now full of worry.

 

You quickly brought up you hand to your nose, “It’s not my blood-  _ oh _ .” when you brought your fingers away you could see the red liquid staining them, “Never mind, yes it is. To be fair, I  _ thought  _ I was telling the truth.”

 

At your words Kylo’s eyes soften and he laughs, it was small but it was real, if you hadn’t seen it yourself you would of said such a thing was impossible; but as you stared up at his toothy grin you were mesmerized. Only seconds ago your emotions were twin fires, encircling each other to harsh limits but now it was melting away. 

 

Kylo reached over and picked up one of your hand towels putting it in your hand so you could blot your nose, you muttered a small thanks and looked back at his humor filled eyes, causing you to look back down at your feet and laugh, “I know, I’m a mess.”

 

You could feel Kylo’s heat in front of you, he hadn’t bothered to move so you were pinned to the counter, his form blocking you from any attempt at escape. He was still just looking at you, as if he didn’t notice how close the two of you were. You weren’t touching, but with as close as the two of you were the Force around you was crashing and melding more than normal. The feeling was very intimate and foreign to you, almost as if you were laid bare under the gaze of the man himself, causing you to shift from foot to foot.

 

The movement seemed to knock Kylo out of his trance, causing him to back away, rather reluctantly you noticed, “All I ever asked for was your loyalty. Was I not entitled to that, after everything that we’ve been through?” Kylo said with a smirk on his face, his sarcasm evident in his tone.

 

You openly laughed at that, checking to see if the bleeding had stopped before you washed your face, “I am  _ not _ picking sides, so don’t try to get me involved! If you want to sort this out do it yourself, I’m not your guy’s goddamn mother!” 

 

Kylo’s warm smirk filled you with happiness as he looked at you, “As much as I would like to just kill Hux and get rid of all my problems, I have a better idea.” 

 

You cocked your eyebrow at that, crossing your arms over your chest and giving him a look, “Oh yeah?”

 

“You can think of it as a mission, if that helps. For—what did you call it? Evil space camp?” Kylo crossed his own arms across his chest as he leaned on the kitchen island in front of you.

 

When you nodded your head with a small laugh he continued, “I don’t think it would be wise for you to go to Hux’s apartment anymore, so you need to convince him to let her stay here with you.”

 

You cocked your head to the side and pondered his suggestion, pursing your lips as you thought, “What if we-?”

 

“Nah, won’t work.” Kylo interrupted.

 

You tried again, “…How about-”

 

“We’d be dead by noon.” he smirked, looking into your eyes.

 

“Okay but-” you started to plead your case.

 

“And  _ where  _ would we get a monkey out in the middle of space?” Kylo was looking at you with such humor in his eyes.

 

“Will you stop reading my mind!?.” you finally shout, causing Kylo to let out a small huff of laughter at your frustration, but he concedes.

 

“Okay, fine! I have another idea, but I don’t think you’ll like it.” you start, noticing the look of warning Kylo gives you before continuing, “Look, it’s no big deal, I’ll just go in and seduce him while you grab Millicent!”

 

Kylo holds back his laughter at your words, trying horribly not to laugh, “Seduce him? You’re about as seductive as a cabbage.”

 

You reach over and punch him in the arm at his teasing, “Let’s hope he’s vegetarian then.” 

 

Just as Kylo had leaned forward from the island, his eyes going serious as his lips parted, the intercom in the station mumbled through the closed door, ‘ _ Commander Ren, please report to the bridge.’ _

 

Kylo let out a sigh before moving to pick up his helmet, you noticed the indent left from where he slammed it down but you couldn’t bring yourself to be mad about it. As he made his way to the door you walked him out stopping in the doorway before he turned around and spoke to you, “Try to get some sleep, I promise I won’t wake you at three am this time, not unless you ask me to.”

 

You didn't have time to process his words before the door slid closed in front of your face, you could feel the heat spread across your face at his teasingly implied words. But you shook the thought from for head and made your way to the shower, stripping down and reveling in the scorching heat as a distraction. 

 

The rest of the night went by fast as you prepared some food and later went to bed, Kylo was true on his words about not disturbing you again but when you woke in the morning for your session you knew why, your datapad had pinged you with a notification. Apparently the Commander was out hunting a man called Lor San Tekka, and the Finalizer was orbiting a planet called Jakku.

 

At the time you didn't think much of it, going about your day as normal and meeting your patients. It was a little strange when Phasma was gone too but you assumed she was down on the ground with Ren and her troops, the thought that she was out there with him calmed you slightly. But never the less you made your way to the work out room and wrapped your hands and feet, over your times with Phasma you had gotten pretty adept at hand to hand combat. You had always been good at martial arts but you hadn’t done it since your teen years and after the rounds with Phasma it was all coming back to you and toning your muscles.

 

You were throwing punch after punch into the bag as well as a few kicks, the rush you were getting was making your senses go into overdrive. Every move and hit was becoming faster and faster, you could feel the adrenaline pumping into your veins as you went, reminding you of the time you killed the trogodile. Just as you were landing your last hit, all of your energy going into it, it was as if time was slowing down. Your vision was changing the image in front of you and in your hand was a lightsaber, but not just any lightsaber, it was Kylo’s.

 

Time was slowly going by as you saw Kylo’s arm following the arch of your fist, in front of you was an elderly man, his face full of fear but resolution. As if he knew his death was staring him in the face as you struck, the minute the contact was made and your fist hit the bag you were blown back as well as the punching bag. The bag itself had a fist sized hole through the middle and was across the other side of the room, you were panting trying to control your breathing and adrenaline.

 

_ What the fuck was that? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think I'm honestly going to have a set schedule for when the chapters come out and I am sooooo sorry about that! But I hope you all enjoyed this new chapter as we are moving into the main story and see how our reader fits in and melds into the events. I know there might be some parts I tweak to have her interact with the story but I'm not sure how much yet. But thank you all for taking the time to read this, I might be going back and editing the story and this chapter for grammar errors and such for small adjustments, I honestly need another pair of eyes to catch everything on top of the other two people I have but I'll make due! 
> 
> P.S. On a side note, I've been meaning to hire an artist to sketch out my icon for my social media platforms and maybe draw some art for the story, but any suggestions you guys might have would be great! Thanks everyone! (:


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